FIFA task force recommends anti-Qatar

A FIFA task force has recommended finding out what the exact opposite of holding the World Cup in Qatar is and doing that.

A spokesman said: “The ideal host country for the 2022 World Cup would have a long history with the game, football stadiums, a strong human rights record and a pleasant summer climate ideal for physical exertion.

“A stable government not wholly dependent on the price of oil, which incidentally is plummeting, and a shortage of politically turbulent neighbours harbouring radicals eager to strike a blow against the West would also be an advantage.

“Unfortunately, and no criticism of FIFA’s voting process is at all implied, these qualities are exactly what Qatar does not have.

“If scientists working on the Large Hadron Collider could somehow make an anti-matter Qatar, like that ray that created Bizarro out of Superman, then the resulting Rataq would be the perfect hosts.”

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Aortic aneurysms caused by movement of Saturn, admits NHS

THE NHS has admitted some forms of heart disease are caused by the alignment of planets in the outer solar system.

Experts said the movement of Saturn through Aquarius causes dilation of the aorta just below the left ventricle and if left untreated can cause sudden death or exciting new career opportunities.

A NHS spokesman said: “Initially we dismissed the research, but the results were conclusive. We don’t yet know how it affects the other major organs, but there’s no question that endocarditis, aortic aneurysms and hypertrophic cardiomyopathy are all caused by Saturn.”

Martin Bishop, a consultant cardiologist, added: “If you’re a Scorpio or a Gemini you should probably get a scan. But wait until after the 15th because of Leo, obviously.

“On the upside, if you’re a Sagittarius you can eat whatever you want.

“You’re heart may still be broken towards the end of the month, but by unrequited love rather than a myocardial infarction.”