A GROUP of motorbike-riding press photographers has been discovered in the uterus of actress Sienna Miller.
Miller, who is four months pregnant with her first child, called police when she heard loud mobile phone conversations and smelt cigarette smoke coming from the region of her cervix.
Police discovered the photographers, who all work for well-known international picture agencies, when a pizza delivery bike carrying food they had ordered tried to gain entrance to Ms Miller’s vagina.
The men told police that they were there legally to get the first pictures of Miller’s child with actor Tom Sturridge, and certainly hadn’t been sent along as an act of revenge on some two-bit blonde who spoiled a nice little earner by running crying to the courts.
Miller has applied for an anti-harrassment order against the photographic agencies involved but legal delays could mean her womb remains co-occupied for months. Police have installed a panic button on her clitoris but say they are powerless to act unless a crime is committed.
Paparazzo Stephen Malley said: “Sienna’s happy to use her reproductive organs for publicity when she’s got a film to promote, like when Jonathan Ross breakdanced live on her G-spot, but apparently it’s a different story when she’s got one in the oven.
“She needs to realise that we’re actually helping her. Jordan gets it, and when I spent six months in her fallopian tubes snapping exclusives for OK!, the only problem was avoiding an ITV2 camera crew camped on her labia.”
Coincidentally, a long-running legal case involving Miller’s ex-partner Jude Law comes to court in New York this week.
Law, who found a British tabloid journalist had been embedded in the tip of his penis, is being sued by the reporter for aggravated criminal battery.