Paparazzi found in Sienna Miller’s womb

A GROUP of motorbike-riding press photographers has been discovered in the uterus of actress Sienna Miller.

Miller, who is four months pregnant with her first child, called police when she heard loud mobile phone conversations and smelt cigarette smoke coming from the region of her cervix.

Police discovered the photographers, who all work for well-known international picture agencies, when a pizza delivery bike carrying food they had ordered tried to gain entrance to Ms Miller’s vagina.

The men told police that they were there legally to get the first pictures of Miller’s child with actor Tom Sturridge, and certainly hadn’t been sent along as an act of revenge on some two-bit blonde who spoiled a nice little earner by running crying to the courts.

Miller has applied for an anti-harrassment order against the photographic agencies involved but legal delays could mean her womb remains co-occupied for months. Police have installed a panic button on her clitoris but say they are powerless to act unless a crime is committed.

Paparazzo Stephen Malley said: “Sienna’s happy to use her reproductive organs for publicity when she’s got a film to promote, like when Jonathan Ross breakdanced live on her G-spot, but apparently it’s a different story when she’s got one in the oven.

“She needs to realise that we’re actually helping her. Jordan gets it, and when I spent six months in her fallopian tubes snapping exclusives for OK!, the only problem was avoiding an ITV2 camera crew camped on her labia.”

Coincidentally, a long-running legal case involving Miller’s ex-partner Jude Law comes to court in New York this week.

Law, who found a British tabloid journalist had been embedded in the tip of his penis, is being sued by the reporter for aggravated criminal battery. 



Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Villas-Boas issues confident statement from Portakabin

CHELSEA manager Andre Villas-Boas has remained defiantly upbeat despite having his office moved into a modular building several miles from Stamford Bridge.

The managerial toddler has been under increasing pressure since Chelsea’s recent defeat by an Everton side comprised of several IOU notes, a photo of a goalkeeper and Phil Neville.

Chelsea insider Roy Hobbs said “It’s reached the point where Torres is actually hoping he sticks around to deflect criticism from him and Torres is currently about as much use as John Terry’s Jamaican phrasebook.”

“It’s not so much that he’s lost the dressing room, it’s more that he’s lost the entire stadium, everything within the SW6 postcode and all the constituent letters of the word ‘football’ to the extent he now insists on being called ‘ndre Vis s’. He says it’s Senegalese but he’s fooling nobody.”

Villas-Boas admits that he has lost the support of a ‘certain section’ of the Chelsea squad which, when pressed, he listed as being the section that currently play football for Chelsea.

He said that the recent training ground row was merely a healthy exchange of views, and that the subsequent court action requiring him to contact players via a solicitor will simply mean having a new face in the dugout during matches.

The Chelsea boss at time of writing said: “This job is not a popularity contest, fortunately. It’s about winning football matches, which is admittedly where the problems start.

“”But Mr Abramovich has shown his support by not having me fed to his pack of wolves and I will move on from here, once I’ve handed my fob back to Alan in security and opened this large greetings card which I can only assume will say ‘Keep Up The Good Work’ on it.”