Piano Playing Cat Checks-In To Priory

NORA, the cat who shot to fame after a video of her playing the piano was posted on Youtube, checked herself into the Priory Hospital last night.

Friends say she is recuperating at the North London clinic after shaving off her chest fur with a Bic razor and trying to drown herself in a sink.

Owner and manager Sally Winston said: "She's been under enormous pressure since we discovered her amazing talent for leaning on piano keys with her paw and the side of her face.

"Instead of using her litter tray she would smear excrement over the walls and have staring contests with the hoover.

"Then she stole our car, drove it to Las Vegas and married a bugle-playing West Highland terrier that she met on Oprah."

Nora had recently signed to Simon Cowell's management company for £4 million worth of mackerel and long bits of string over three years.

Following her suspected suicide bid, Nora will be cared for by therapists specially trained to deal with animals who become famous as a result of poorly edited internet videos.

Animal behaviourist Dr Julian Cook said: "Famous animals frequently develop psychiatric problems. Well 'Ard from Eastenders claimed to be the reincarnation of 15th century alchemist John Dee and would wander around the set in a tricorn hat, growling in Latin.

"One particularly tragic example is 70s TV bear Gentle Ben who, as his fame evaporated, began to sexually predate on emus and was finally kicked in the face at the West Midland Safari and Leisure park."

Meanwhile Winston has been forced to postpone Nora's 50-date stadium tour to promote her new album Humans, Do You Have Food?

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Torture Cops 'Are Just Mavericks Who Don't Play By The Book'

THE policemen accused of torturing drug suspects are loose cannons who may not play by the book but they get results godammit, it was claimed last night.

As six officers were suspended amid claims of waterboarding, police sources stressed that sometimes a cop has to take matters into his own hands if he is going to keep the streets safe for you and that nice little wife of yours.

A Scotland Yard insider said: "They've got some buttoned-up, college-educated divisional commander bustin' their asses. And for what? For givin' some no-good punk a bath when he don't wannit?

"Jeez, times have changed since I joined the force, I tells ya. Times was you could take a perp to the old docks and pop him in the back of the head when no-one was lookin'. Who's gonna be askin' questions about a piece of scum like that?

"We comes out of the academy all fresh-faced, but then you see all these thieves and drug dealers and newspaper sellers on their way home from work day after day, and it changes you."

He added: "Okay, so maybe pushin' someone's head repeatedly into a bucket of water may not elicit the desired response and may, in the long run, prove to be counterproductive in terms of engendering community support and co-operation. Actually, that's a very good point isn't it?

"So what you're saying is that we might have safer communities if we had well-trained officers adhering to strict operational standards, instead of some halfwit maniacs who think they're Dirty Harry or that northern geezer in Funk to Funky.

"Come to think of it, you're right, they really are just a collection of bastards, aren't they?"