Subscribe

Picture of Kate smiling is sickening hammer blow to Sussexes' ambitions

HARRY and Meghan are thought to be reeling in shock after their whole return to Britain was shattered by a picture of beautiful Kate smiling delightedly. 

The Duke and Duchess of Sussex are rethinking their entire plan to ingratiate themselves with the British public after a single winsome smile from the country’s only true princess left them looking like money-grubbing, vainglorious dicks.

A Royal insider said: “Not only is Kate smiling, she’s also wearing a hat. You’re finished, interlopers.

“With this single smile, which would have made every man in the Western world erect if that were not disrespectful, the Sussexes have lost. They won’t settle over here. Meghan will never get an acting job. Their children will be bullied out of school.

“The wattage of that mighty beam has exposed them for who they truly are; pathetic scum trying to worm their way back into the Royal family just because Harry is, technically, the King’s son. It won’t work. They can’t compete.”

To follow up the smile, Prince William will engagingly joke with ordinary members of the public while wearing a suit and that will be pretty much game over.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday
privacy

Atlantis, and other things easier to find than an NHS dentist

BAD teeth due to being British? Theoretically an NHS dentist can treat you, but due to underfunding and greed you would have more luck finding these: 

The lost continent of Atlantis

When sunken ships can be stumbled across, an entire lost civilisation should be a piece of piss. Decode a few ancient manuscripts, chart volcanic and/or meteor activity, hire a decent submarine. With a bit of prep it would take an afternoon at most. Whereas even a dentist who takes NHS patients won’t consider letting you on the waiting list.

A needle in a haystack

Hay is grass. Needles are metal. A metal detector from Argos and you’ll solve this proverbial conundrum in minutes. Finding an NHS dentist will require widespread industry reform and better pay for workers, all of which would make Tory newspapers angry, so you’ll just have to keep paying £220 a filing for now.

The clitoris

Not as difficult to locate as its reputation suggests. It’s tucked underneath a little hood like a teenage criminal, but you’ll know when you find it because of the intense reaction. Also its owner is keen to to give directions. Meanwhile NHS dentists look like regular people and their surgeries are just normal buildings. You could be one, for all you know.

Your soulmate

There are billions of people in this world, which makes finding the one a daunting prospect. Luckily though most people are happy to settle. NHS dentists are fewer in number and in much higher demand, and there are no apps ready to hook you up with them during a late-night swiping session.

Enlightenment

Buddhists make finding inner peace sound impossible. But if you obey their teachings, which they’ve been kind enough to jot down, you’ll achieve a higher plane of existence in 20 to 30 years at the outside. Sit under a tree and you’re halfway there. While NHS dentists were allowed to exit the Wheel of Karma in 2011 by the Cameron government.

Next story ›