ARE you good at sport? But too keen on making a living for athletics, and too keen on going out on the lash for football? Why not give cricket a try?
Yes, in this country cricket may not be a sport anyone but red-faced all-day drinkers care about, but it has an international following. Wages are good, your memoir will sell and best of all you can get as pissed as you like without consequence.
Football? Its drinking days are over. You’ll earn millions, but you’ll be living on steamed chicken and rice until you’re 40. And your club will force you to marry your childhood sweetheart and have five kids to boost your stability and transfer value.
But cricket? While the sport may be sedate, it’s played by true wildmen. Look at Brydon Carse, handcuffed outside a Derby nightclub. In the background? Ben Stokes, who was straight out on the piss after winning the first test against New Zealand.
And that’s after Harry Brook got punched by a bouncer in NZ last winter and the whole team was out getting wrecked in Australia. It’s a global stag do that never ends.
The game itself? You’d have to be smashed to even understand it. A level of hungover befuddlement is the ideal accompaniment to playing cricket. You won’t understand what’s going on but nor will you care. And if it rains you’ll be sinking pints before noon.
So if you’re sporty but can’t be arsed with all that clean living bollocks, pick up a bat and give cricket a try. Cheating encouraged. All applicants must be cheerful losers.
