ONLYFANS has revolutionised the way lonely men abuse themselves to sickeningly specific fetishes while thinking a direct debit constitutes a relationship. Do these and earn back:
Nodding in reasoned agreement
Ever wanted somebody to actively listen to whatever psychodrama you invented in work today while offering no contrary opinions? Perhaps muttering ‘God, she’s such a bitch’ at the appropriate moments? Premium subscribers can even have the name of the supposed bitch in question added for that personal touch.
Sweater-wearing
Nudity as an erotic kickstarter is nothing compared to a man wearing a really nice sweater that complements his beard, which was not grown to hide a double chin but because he works outdoors. The sweater is also not hiding a belly. You could fall asleep with your head on it while watching a Netflix film he has no interest in whatsoever.
Apologising
I’m sorry. No, stop, you were completely in the right and you have nothing to apologise for. I’m just so sorry I did that thing I did or I said that thing I said or didn’t do one or both of those things. You deserve so much better than (subscribe to read more).
This isn’t gay
Watch as men who definitely aren’t gay do the gayest shit you ever dreamed of while telling each other that they totally aren’t gay. Shirtless men daring each other to put things inside themselves while rubbing oil into their chests and listing all the famous women they would never have sex with. Ninja levels of really-not-gay.
Walking home alone at night
Seeing somebody not concerned for their personal safety in public places is aspirational wealth-porn. It’s a mile from the train station and there are no buses? He doesn’t care. Gape in amazement as he strolls off, noise-cancelling headphones on, not even checking over his shoulder.
Shutting the f**k up
Not a word. Not a f**king word.
‘Not trying to shag you’ simulator
A VR adventure where you enter text prompts for everyday social situations and not a single response is from a man and predicated on whether he wants you to do things to his penis. One of the hottest things you ever saw on the internet.
