Pope John Paul II 'completed Jet Set Willy'

THE former Pope’s mystery-shrouded miracle was completing an impossible computer game in the 80s, it has emerged.

The Vatican revealed a ZX Spectrum-based feat as the basis for ex-Pope John Paul II’s planned sainthood.

A Vatican spokesman said: “Anyone who remembers the popular platform game Jet Set Willy knows that it was impossible.

“Not only was the collision detection a bitch, but there was a bug that meant if you went in a certain room you instantly died.

“But in 1985 John Paul II locked himself in his chambers for 4 days without meal breaks, emerging to say ‘Ive nailed it’.”

Catholic former Spectrum owner Stephen Malley said: “Jet Set Willy was ridiculously hard. When I think about how many times the former Pope must have died and gone back to the start, rather like Christ himself, it is quite inspiring.

“But to justify a sainthood I’d also want the Pope to have completed its prequel Manic Miner, which didn’t have as many rooms but was still very frustrating.”

The Vatican spokesman confirmed that John Paul II did complete Manic Miner, as well as Spectrum classics Chuckie Egg, Knightlore and School Daze.

He added: “Without pokes too, if anyone remembers what a poke is.”

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Internet exposing youngsters to shite

PARENTS’ groups are demanding government action to protect their children from all the shite on the internet.

Mother-of-two Mary Fisher said: “Children are being exposed to shite from a very young age.

“There was shite around when I was little but it was on telly and we watched it as a family so my parents could explain how and why things like Howard’s Way got made.

“With laptops and iPads they could be accessing inane animal footage, game shows and celebrity news bulletins and all that crap will fill up the bits of their brains that should contain maths.”