THE Duchess of Cambridge has revealed that her birth plan includes some murder mystery DVDs and a homemade pork pie.
The Duchess will give birth in the private wing of St Mary’s Hospital in London and has warned staff that she will probably swear at them a great deal and be ‘very gassy’.
The Duchess said: “I fucking love Foyle’s War so my sister got me the box set and said ‘watch that while you’re in the stirrups – it’ll take your mind off the fact you’ve just done a big shite in front of some strangers’.
“I was like ‘oh fuck, is that what happens ? I though you just did a load of farts’.
“And then she pretended to be me taking a dump. She can be a nasty little bitch sometimes.”
The Duchess also revealed that she will adhere to the ancient traditions set out in the Royal Birthing Charter of 1467. She said: “Apparently I’ve got to do this in front of the Archbishop of Canterbury, an alchemist and a castrated monk.
“As soon as the kid’s out the Archbishop checks it’s not a French spy and then the monk goes up to the roof and blows a trumpet.
“Anyway, my mum’s going to make me a really big pie. She’s says it’ll be a ‘two-hander’. She’s a total star, my mum.”
The Duchess added: “Foyle’s War, big pie, Queen’s gynaecologist. Fucking doddle.”