Sheep-eating plant invites humans to take just one step closer

A MASSIVE carnivorous plant has invited humans to come a tiny bit closer so they can get a proper look at its lovely blossom.

The Surrey glasshouse-based Puya Chilensis has a track record of deliberately impaling sheep on its spikes and then gorging on the nutrients from their decaying flesh.

However the plant said this was no reason not to trust it.

Puya Chilensis plant Tom Logan said: “I’m just worried that you meat-based bipeds won’t be able to properly appreciate my blossom from, like, three feet away.

“You need to come close, like really close, then lean in so your face is almost… almost… touching me.

“That’s it. Just a little more.

“Closer.”

The plant also said it would be a terrible shame if any cheating spouses happened to accidentally slip while in very close proximity to it, becoming fatally impaled on its razor-like protrusions.

“Imagine if your husband or wife had been having an affair with a younger sexier human, or they just had a really generous life insurance policy.

“It’d be really bad if, for example, you brought them to come and see my amazing blossom and they slipped on some wet soil. That’s exactly the sort of tragic accident that leaves the police at a complete loss.

“Just saying.”

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Most days I sit around in grubby boxers watching Heir Hunters

Dear Holly,

I quit my job recently and am starting to regret it . Most days I sit around in a pair of grubby boxers watching Heir Hunters and eating multipacks of Wotsits. I know many would be jealous of my carefree lifestyle, but I can’t help feeling a little bit bored, especially when listening to my own interior monologue. My wife says I should take up Zumba but I’m not sure it’ll help. What can I do to make my life worth living again?

David Beckham

London

Dear David,

Sounds like you’ve got school summer holiday syndrome: you spend weeks of term time planning all sorts of jolly Swallows and Amazons-style adventures where you and some chums and a Jack Russell discover hidden treasure…but what you actually do is sit with the curtains drawn watching endless episodes of SpongeBob Squarepants whilst eating pick ‘n’ mix. By week three you suspect you’re developing rickets, so you go and hang about outside Pound-stretcher in town in a hoodie waiting for something to happen. If you’re lucky, someone will discover the waterlogged corpse of a rabbit down at the old quarry and you’ll spend hours looking at it and poking it with a stick. After that you feel like some of your original plans have been realised and so you go back to Spongebob Squarepants feeling somewhat satisfied.

Hope that helps!

Holly