EXPERTS are puzzled that over 80% of people in the UK do not feel pissed off.
New statistics show that only one in five people feels unhappy despite the existence of the government, every major newspaper, ‘Towie‘, NCP car parks and greetings cards where women from the 50s are saying something bitchy.
Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “Clearly there is something wrong with that mostly contented 80% of the population.
“Are they somehow managing to avoid the mass media, and have thus never been exposed to the term ‘sideboob’ or seen a quirky advert for online dating?
“Have they never been in a Jack Wills shop or visited a bar where they have a ‘resident mixologist’?
“The ‘happy 80%’ must be either hermits – which makes little sense because hermits are notoriously reluctant to participate in surveys – or in some way disconnected from modern Britain.
“Perhaps they share a collective delusion and see the country in bright primary colours, a bit like Marioland.
“Either way, modern Britain is inexplicably in the grip of a happiness epidemic. It’s like World War Z except with smiling, upbeat people instead of zombies.”
31-year-old sales co-ordinator Tom Logan said: “I’m just a happy person.
“My friends try to bring me out of it, pointing out things like how a book about sado-masochistic sex games is more popular than all the world’s literary classics combined, but I remain impenetrably chipper.”