Thursday, 15th April 2021

Prince Andrew's guide to dealing with the media

MY nephew and his partner have got into a spot of bother with the media recently. But don’t worry, kids – here’s how Uncle Andy effortlessly deals with those pests. 

Maintain your innocence

The British gutter press has no shame. As poor Meghan is finding out, if one’s past isn’t whiter than white the tabloid press will launch a baseless smear campaign against you using verified photographs of dodgy-looking things you clearly have done.

Have a support network

Useful contacts are imperative. If the tabloid vultures are circling it helps to have an old friend to talk to. Though try to ensure your old friends aren’t themselves embroiled in an international sex trafficking scandal. That can look bad.

Keep a low profile

Keep out of the spotlight. Live as a recluse, only emerging to do the occasional car-crash interview with Newsnight. You won’t find me talking to Oprah, or signing multi-million dollar deals with Netflix. And that has nothing to do with me being shit-scared to set foot on American soil. 

Control the narrative

Meghan could do something that would annoy the press slightly less than just existing. I’ve found that having a series unsavoury sexual allegations levelled against you is nowhere near as bad as not fitting in with the royal family. It’s definitely worth a try.

Keep a stiff upper lip

No matter how hurtful what is written in the press is, remember it is only words and don’t sweat it. Not that I can sweat at all, due to a peculiar and unique condition I developed in the Falklands.