IT’S Wednesday, you’ve celebrated with a few drinks, and you fancy doing some cooking. Let intellectual food writer Nigel Slater show you how:
There’s nothing like homemade pizza and you’ve probably got all the ingredients, there’s all kinds of shit in these cupboards. Get a bewildering assortment of pans out, stare at them confused while finishing your drink, grab a Mario’s Pizza flyer and a phone, wait 20 minutes.
A disgusting fry-up
Ah, the sense-memories a drunken fry-up can conjure. For best results, cook some sausages from frozen until they’re horribly burnt but may still give you food poisoning. Add handfuls of random crap while swigging wine from the bottle – raw broccoli, savoury rice, a couple of eggs – then smother the blackened mess in ketchup, take one mouthful and scrape into the bin.
A cheese sandwich
Starting to feel iffy and need something to line your stomach? Slices of flavourless Tesco mild cheddar luxuriating in a thin smearing of Flora between two wonderfully self-indulgent slices of Warburtons Baker’s Bloomer do the trick. Don’t be afraid to experiment by adding salt.
Cold tinned food
The delicious contrast between the cold spring weather and your warm home makes it all the more cosy. Likewise, the contrast between your cosy kitchen and a cold tin of Heinz Ravioli eaten with a spoon makes you savour it even more, especially when accompanied with neat Spar whiskey.
Any microwave snack
For the midweek drinker Rustlers burgers, or Asda’s enticing ‘Heat Me, Eat Me’ bacon and beans breakfast wrap for £1, aren’t just food – they’re entertainment. Slump in front of the microwave watching them revolve for 90 seconds, just enough time to open and decant another delicious can of Strongbow.
Something from the bin
Your kitchen bin is a culinary adventure. There might be almost a fifth of a pizza in there, or a cold lamb chop with a fair bit of meat still on. All cordon bleu treats, as long as you haven’t thrown up in it yet.