Nigel Slater's midweek shitfaced meals

IT’S Wednesday, you’ve celebrated with a few drinks, and you fancy doing some cooking. Let intellectual food writer Nigel Slater show you how: 

Homemade pizza

There’s nothing like homemade pizza and you’ve probably got all the ingredients, there’s all kinds of shit in these cupboards. Get a bewildering assortment of pans out, stare at them confused while finishing your drink, grab a Mario’s Pizza flyer and a phone, wait 20 minutes.

A disgusting fry-up

Ah, the sense-memories a drunken fry-up can conjure. For best results, cook some sausages from frozen until they’re horribly burnt but may still give you food poisoning. Add handfuls of random crap while swigging wine from the bottle – raw broccoli, savoury rice, a couple of eggs – then smother the blackened mess in ketchup, take one mouthful and scrape into the bin.

A cheese sandwich

Starting to feel iffy and need something to line your stomach? Slices of flavourless Tesco mild cheddar luxuriating in a thin smearing of Flora between two wonderfully self-indulgent slices of Warburtons Baker’s Bloomer do the trick. Don’t be afraid to experiment by adding salt.

Cold tinned food

The delicious contrast between the cold spring weather and your warm home makes it all the more cosy. Likewise, the contrast between your cosy kitchen and a cold tin of Heinz Ravioli eaten with a spoon makes you savour it even more, especially when accompanied with neat Spar whiskey.

Any microwave snack

For the midweek drinker Rustlers burgers, or Asda’s enticing ‘Heat Me, Eat Me’ bacon and beans breakfast wrap for £1, aren’t just food – they’re entertainment. Slump in front of the microwave watching them revolve for 90 seconds, just enough time to open and decant another delicious can of Strongbow.

Something from the bin

Your kitchen bin is a culinary adventure. There might be almost a fifth of a pizza in there, or a cold lamb chop with a fair bit of meat still on. All cordon bleu treats, as long as you haven’t thrown up in it yet.

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Five knobheads Good Morning Britain could stick next to Susanna Reid

WHO could possibly fill Piers Morgan’s clown shoes? Well, any one of these knobheads could step in as Good Morning Britain co-host seamlessly: 

Jeremy Clarkson

Providing a perfect example of ‘be careful what you wish for’, there’s now nothing to stop Jezza sliding in to spout lightly sanitised versions of his Sun columns while dancing around racial slurs. Except that, in a rare case of laziness being a virtue, there’s no way he could be arsed.

Paul Hollywood

Want Susannah to look even more uncomfortable? Put this silvered lothario next to her. Hollywood would love to diversify his portfolio by strutting around the Good Morning Britain studio, splitting hairs over perfectly adequate news reports, flirting with a clearly disgusted Charlotte Hawkins, and telling Lorraine she’s too old for him.

Nigel Farage

No stranger to the show, Nigel takes away all that unpleasant tension about what he might say next because it will absolutely, no shadow of a doubt, be racist. Would drink pints and smoke from 6.30am onwards, which to be honest it’d be nice to see.

Gordon Ramsay

Good Morning Britain goes out live so someone with the reflexes of a fighter pilot would need to be hired to censor his expletives, but if you want some to be f**king angry at Matt Hancock he’d do it. Might cross the line and threaten to ‘come down to Westminster and f**king strangle you with these two hands’ which again captures the country’s mood.

Roland Rat

The saviour of TV-am would bring decades of presenting experience to the role and his brash, overbearing personality would be a busman’s holiday for Susanna Reid. Viewers would quickly realise that society has dumbed down so much that an 80s puppet is now a heavyweight presenter of real gravitas, expertly grilling politicians and dissecting issues, and they’d turn off in record numbers.