Monday, 19th April 2021

Twats out and about, and the other signs spring has sprung

IS the long lockdown winter finally over? Have we begun our long, wet, dull, Easter egg-eating lockdown spring? These are the signs: 

Loads of twats out and about

You might have seen the population of your town double in recent weeks, with twats turning up in their droves to trample on daffodils, chat shit at each other and generally ruin the park for everyone else. Their winter hibernation is over and their cries of ‘Nah bollocks mate’ echo over our hills once again.

Bloody hay fever’s coming on

No, that tickle in your throat isn’t Covid and nor is it a cold, because you’ve been nowhere and seen no-one. It’s just your body’s immune system firing on all cylinders because you’ve inhaled a tiny bit of tree pollen. Enjoy the misery of the next six months.

Bastard joggers everywhere

2021 was a year for postponing resolutions, but now the weather’s less paralysingly bleak pavements are filling with red-faced middle-aged men in tight-fitting lycra, who will absolutely not move out of the way for a pram or wheelchair.

Unsuitable coat weather

In these awkward weeks, putting on your winter coat will make you sweat like Prince Andrew would if he only could, while donning a light jacket will see you blue-knuckled as you hug it round yourself. You might consider a gilet, if you don’t mind looking like a wanker who owns an organic winery and two black labradoodles.

The house is a tip

Daylight streaming in makes dusty skirting boards and wine-stained carpets a lot harder to ignore. You’re still not going to do anything about it, but insisting cobwebs are environment-friendly extra insulation is wearing thin.

Some miserable bugger saying ‘Spring gets earlier every year’

The most obvious sign that spring is upon us is a miserable old bastard complaining that the crocuses are coming out earlier and earlier, and soon the Earth will be transformed into a fireball which can no longer sustain human life. I mean yeah, but aren’t they pretty?