Twats out and about, and the other signs spring has sprung

IS the long lockdown winter finally over? Have we begun our long, wet, dull, Easter egg-eating lockdown spring? These are the signs: 

Loads of twats out and about

You might have seen the population of your town double in recent weeks, with twats turning up in their droves to trample on daffodils, chat shit at each other and generally ruin the park for everyone else. Their winter hibernation is over and their cries of ‘Nah bollocks mate’ echo over our hills once again.

Bloody hay fever’s coming on

No, that tickle in your throat isn’t Covid and nor is it a cold, because you’ve been nowhere and seen no-one. It’s just your body’s immune system firing on all cylinders because you’ve inhaled a tiny bit of tree pollen. Enjoy the misery of the next six months.

Bastard joggers everywhere

2021 was a year for postponing resolutions, but now the weather’s less paralysingly bleak pavements are filling with red-faced middle-aged men in tight-fitting lycra, who will absolutely not move out of the way for a pram or wheelchair.

Unsuitable coat weather

In these awkward weeks, putting on your winter coat will make you sweat like Prince Andrew would if he only could, while donning a light jacket will see you blue-knuckled as you hug it round yourself. You might consider a gilet, if you don’t mind looking like a wanker who owns an organic winery and two black labradoodles.

The house is a tip

Daylight streaming in makes dusty skirting boards and wine-stained carpets a lot harder to ignore. You’re still not going to do anything about it, but insisting cobwebs are environment-friendly extra insulation is wearing thin.

Some miserable bugger saying ‘Spring gets earlier every year’

The most obvious sign that spring is upon us is a miserable old bastard complaining that the crocuses are coming out earlier and earlier, and soon the Earth will be transformed into a fireball which can no longer sustain human life. I mean yeah, but aren’t they pretty?

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Five fictional men your wife secretly compares you to

MARRIED? Confident that you’re your wife’s dream man? You’ll never compete with these fictional hunks, and she knows it: 

Mr Darcy from Pride and Prejudice

Even without Colin Firth in his big wet shirt, Mr Darcy represents everything the modern woman desires: a brooding, heroic, outdoorsy type who isn’t afraid to wear pantaloons. It’s a shame the only thing you and him have in common is that you both make £10,000 a year.

Aragorn from Lord of the Rings

Viggo Mortensen’s performance as Aragorn tricked thousands of women into watching fifteen hours of hobbits and ugly jewellery. Meanwhile, you can’t speak any foreign languages or ride a horse. When he says ‘my friends, you bow to no one’ at the end, he’s being ironic. You bow to him, because he’s a sexy king and you’re an IT manager.

Jack from Titanic

Leo gave up his spot on the door and froze to death so Kate Winslet would live. Meanwhile you refuse to get your fat arse off the sofa cushion so your wife can put her feet up. And to top it all off, you can’t draw for shit. You’re not Leonardo. You’re not even Billy Zane.

Don Draper from Mad Men

Alright, so you’re not a serial liar and haven’t committed identity theft, but nor are you a suave Sixties ad man who could pull that off. You don’t have the charisma to drink Scotch at your desk and smoke in meetings. You’d fall asleep by 3pm and wake up with a violent coughing fit.

Paddington from Paddington

He’s from Peru and he loves marmalade sandwiches, so ipso facto he’s a cultured foodie who puts your staid lifestyle to shame. There’s a reason they decided to have him voiced by Ben Whishaw – to maximise the P-man’s already potent sex appeal. Have you ridden a flood of passion downstairs that left your wife soaking but delighted? Didn’t think so.