Thursday, 15th April 2021

What to do if you've overdosed on Meghan and Harry: an emergency guide

HAVE toxic levels of Harry and Meghan coverage entered your system? Is it in danger of shutting down? Our guide could save your life.

Walk around

You may start blacking out and slipping into a coma after reading the 12th inane, bitchy article by Sarah Vine. As with an overdose of opiates, force yourself to walk around and slap yourself if you attempt to scroll down on your phone. One more judgmental editorial could prove fatal.

Get a friend to talk you down

If you’re getting a terrifying headrush from too many revelations that Meghan had in fact heard of the Queen prior to July 2016, get a friend who doesn’t give a shit to say things like: ‘For f**k’s sake, do something useful like going for a run.’ These harsh words will gently bring you back to reality.

Carry out a DIY blood transfusion

This risky medical intervention won’t help directly, but when you’re on a makeshift operating table in your garage draining two pints of O negative from your husband, you won’t be able to watch yet another UK news exclusive from Meghan’s half-sister she last provably met 13 years ago. If your partner is unwilling to help, hook yourself up to the cat.

Get into the recovery position

If you’ve taken in too much Royal bullshit, the ceaseless, churning speculation about which royal made the racist comments could cause convulsions and brain spasms. You don’t need to actually lie on the floor. Just switch off the TV, log off the wifi, get an early night and assume it was Camilla.

Take an antidote

If you’ve ingested too much pointless tabloid crap for your system to cope with, quickly administer the books of Tolstoy, the films of Michael Haneke or a Noam Chomsky lecture. Their sheer worthiness will counteract the flow of empty trivia and leave you feeling pleasantly smug.

Call 999

If you can’t stop following the latest developments, such as six hours of analysis of a three-sentence statement from the Palace, call 999. Just hope the paramedics aren’t Meghan and Harry junkies who finish you off with a chat in the ambulance about what they might pitch to Netflix.