Wednesday, 12th May 2021

Six classic public information films updated for today

DO you fondly remember the blood-chilling public information films of the 1970s? These classics could be updated for the modern era: 

Charley says: be absolutely obsessed with paedophiles

Tony and his cat Charley warned children about strangers. A 2021 version would reflect the obsessive fears of the 21st century by showing Tony encountering paedos everywhere – in the park, at school, under the bed, hiding in rivers and swooping down in helicopters. Even Charley would turn out to be a nonce.

Take Care With Internet Challenges

Take Care With Fireworks was one of many fireworks films of the 70s, but then organised displays came along and spoilt all the maiming fun. Now youngsters need to be warned against taking part in dangerous internet challenges. Although if you eat urinal cakes at the behest of some knobhead in Australia, frankly you deserve it.

Don’t crap in a burger box on the beach

In 1973’s Broken Glass a happy child runs across a beach, unaware he is about to step on a broken bottle. After last summer’s beach mayhem, the film would now freeze just before the youngster steps on a Burger King box and squelches a human turd between his toes.

The Green Cross Code with Hayden Christensen

Original Somerset Darth Vader David Prowse starred in the originals, so why not update them with the bad, failed Darth Vader who everyone hated? Could easily include classic lines from the prequels like: ‘Look left, look right, look left again. I hate sand. It’s coarse and rough and irritating.’

Lonely Water For Idiots

Who needed horror movies when you could watch the Grim Reaper, menacingly voiced by Donald Pleasance, savour the drownings of 70s kids in murky local ponds and rivers? This should be updated to Come Dine With Me narrator Dave Lamb revelling in lagered-up twats tombstoning from clifftops.

Tufty gets an STD

Tufty the Squirrel should never have listened to Willy the Weasel saying it was ‘much better without a condom’. Now he has chlamydia – and possibly something far worse. Silly Tufty.