The six people you've promised you'll meet after lockdown but won't

IN A locked down world, we’re all making promises we won’t keep. For example, here are five people you’ve sworn you’ll meet the minute it’s allowed and absolutely won’t: 

The Facebook acquaintance

Sure, you appreciated their recommendations on local plumbers, and kind of meant it when you said ‘The little ones would love a playdate!’ But when it comes to meeting people in real life you know full well you’ll meet the people you know in real life. We’ve all had enough of internet randos by now.

The neighbour

It’s crucial to have a friendly neighbour in case there’s a crisis. Those socially-distanced conversations over the fence have been a lifesaver, and last April you were even doing shopping for each other. Invite her in for a coffee? A gossip like that, who’ll tell the whole street how dirty your kitchen is? Let’s stick to emergency-only socialisation, thanks.

The international friend

You really got on with this guy at uni. He was always up for a laugh, and good for getting the first round in. Taking a cold hard look at the numbers, however, it would seem that a few pints here and there don’t quite add up to the airfare required to reach Sydney.

The lonesome ex

It was clear they were single and lonely and suffering, so you took pity on them and enjoyed being in a better place than them and threw them a few FaceTime bones. But now they’re talking about meeting up and being friends and all that? Do they not remember you lie to them all the time, from the relationship?

The extended family

‘It would mean the world to have us all in one room again!’ Yeah, would it though? Half the cousins have fallen out with your sister and the others are the boring ones? The group Zoom was excruciating enough. Best to keep things on a Christmas-card-only basis.

The immediate family

It’s expensive, it’s tiring, you all go back to old resentments in seconds. You never went anywhere together before all this. Why start now?

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'I was rinsing Breaking Bad last night, why do you ask?' says Queen

HER Majesty the Queen spent yesterday evening binge watching the final season of Breaking Bad because there was nothing else on, the Palace has confirmed.

With the place to herself and the TV schedules barren but for The Matrix Reloaded on ITV4, Elizabeth II finally got around to finding out how Walter White met his messy end.

The Queen said: “I know I’m late to the party on this one, but yesterday was the first free evening I’ve had in ages so I was determined to crack on with it.

“Frankly it gets a bit implausible towards the end with the Aryan gang, but the whole final-days-of-Heisenberg vibe is pretty compelling. I blame Netflix’s autoplay feature, it made it so easy to whizz through the lot.

“I was about to switch it off when Hank found the journal, then I thought screw it, let’s open another bottle of Krug and make it an all-nighter. It’s not every day I get spoiled like this.

“I don’t know why everyone’s asking about ‘my feelings’ about last night. I’m sad about Hank, but glad Jesse got away? If there’s nothing else worth talking about it must be a slow news day.”

Browsing Amazon on her phone, the Queen added: “I’m thinking of buying a pork pie hat for my next public appearance. Do you think that would shock people?”