Princess Diana's guide to the Coronation

WHO better to help with your Coronation celebrations than Princess Diana, Queen of Hearts? Here are some tips from the former Royal everyone would much rather be watching on Saturday.

Stock up on drinks in advance 

I’d recommend doing a shop for wine and beer today. The Coronation coverage starts early tomorrow, and the last thing you want is for Big Ears and his horse-faced shag to pop up on TV without a drink to take the edge off.

Should you make a Coronation Quiche?

I’d say ‘no’ on the entirely reasonable grounds that they sound f**king disgusting. I mean, spinach, green beans and cheese? It’s no wonder the Royals have got £21 billion stashed away if they’re too tight to splash out on an M&S quiche. If I was becoming Queen, which I know you’d all prefer, I’d insist on something decent like Coronation tandoori mixed grill.

Don’t miss the Household Cavalry

I’ve always had a certain fondness for this historic regiment, possibly due to shagging Major James Hewitt. The bastard sold my personal letters afterwards, but I’m prepared to let that slide. Yes, I love the Household Cavalry, who helped win the Battle of Waterloo and are, in my experience, better in bed than some weirdo husband who prefers talking to his plants to giving his hot young wife one. Naming no names, obviously.

When to say your pledge of loyalty

This has confused a lot of people, but don’t worry! During the ceremony, the Archbishop of Canterbury will give everyone a clear prompt. It’s that simple. Of course, you might not want to promise to lay down your life for a man whose only contribution to humanity is making posh biscuits no one buys. Just putting that out there.

Make your own Coronation playlist

Let’s face it, the music is going to be shit, so when boring old Westminster Abbey choir come on I’m just going to put Seven and the Ragged Tiger on my Sony Walkman. Katy Perry should be okay later on, but Charles doesn’t like pop music so he’ll have to look enthusiastic while hating every minute. Ha. Good.

Should you organise a street party? 

Sadly you’ve run out of time to give the council the required 4-12 weeks notice and, if you intend to charge for alcohol, apply for a Temporary Events Notice. But there’s nothing to stop you having a party in your garden and inviting the neighbours. Just bear in mind it’s going to be a much less popular occasion than, say, the 1981 Royal Wedding, so don’t buy loads of sausage rolls unless you’ve got a chest freezer or a dog. 

Stave off boredom by reminding yourself it’s a historic event

I found that helped me get through quite a few ballsaching Royal events. And in a way it is quite historical. With the Queen gone, Andrew’s unsavoury antics and hours of ridiculous medieval cosplay, I doubt people are going to be watching this bollocks for much longer.

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The only six places a teenager is allowed to be, by a gammon

TEENAGERS either stay indoors not getting enough fresh air or congregate wearing hoodies to do crime outside. So where should we allow them to go? Roy Hobbs believes these places and these places only.

A 1970s ‘short, sharp shock’ boot camp

Why wait until they’re actually convicted to dole out some punishment? Anyone under the age of 25 wearing a hoodie is planning some sort of crime. It’s another brilliant idea from good old Maggie Thatcher. She should have locked up the punks too. It’s thanks to the Sex Pistols that not everyone in Britain will be sobbing with joy during the Coronation like I will.

Washing glasses in the kitchen of a pub for a pound an hour

Britain’s pubs are short-staffed for reasons that are nothing to do with Brexit, and being ruthlessly exploited in a crappy part-time job is character-building. Keep them away from the bar, though, as underdeveloped teenage brains are too full of TikTok to know how to pour a pint with a proper head.

Helping their mum

Drying plates, cleaning things, feeding younger siblings. It’s important to keep young people’s expectations low. Maybe later they can have a job as a dinner lady or operating a lathe, if they’re lucky.

Locked in classrooms for months at a time

And the teachers. You see kids coming out of school at half past two with their Kentucky fried chicken after half an hour of dead easy transgender studies. That’s not a proper education. If they’re going to survive in the Real World they need to know how to make dovetail joints. I say lock them in the classroom and throw away the key. Push iron rations through the windows but don’t let them out until they’ve had some sense knocked into them with the birch. They can sleep standing up, like I did when I were a lad, although I may have just made that up.

The Falkland Islands 

I know we gave the Argies a damn good thrashing in 1982 but they’re still sniffing around our sovereign territories and we can’t rely on the penguins to keep them at bay. I recommend mass conscription and millions of teenage reservists being sent to defend jewels in the crown like Goose Green and Mount Tumbledown. 

On the moon

Hear me out. If they can put a man on the moon, they can certainly put a teenager on the moon. Or loads of them. In lunar colonies, getting some fresh artificial air but keeping them 239,000 miles away from our parks and street corners.