IF you’ve not had sex for ages it’s obviously not your fault. So who is to blame? And how can you stop them sabotaging the mind-blowing sex you’d be having otherwise?
Your boss
Does your manager make you work all the hours God sends, when other people are off having weird sexual entanglements with possibly-insane strangers from apps? If so, your boss is clearly the cock-blocker here.
Solution: Find a new job, or start shagging someone at work, maybe your boss. You can trade sexual favours to get your workload reduced. That’s normal.
Your star sign
Only a couple of astrological signs (Leo and Scorpio) are super-sexy ones, and even then it relies on Venus being ascendant in the parallax of Coruscant, or some such bollocks.
Solution: Definitely tell people your lack of sex is due to the Zodiac and the infinite mysteries of the cosmos. Hippy girls will think that’s perfectly normal and they’re noted goers.
Your parents
Your mum and dad meant well but their regime of clarinet lessons, taking an interest in your homework and walking holidays in the Lake District made you a dysfunctional spod unsuited to an adult life of seduction and pounding. Or there’s the time they rubbed each other’s backs when they thought you were not looking. It was weird and put you off intimacy for life. Either way, your bang-free existence is their fault.
Solution: You’ve got to accept that your parents are sexual beings too. Oh God, now you’re thinking about the two wrinkly old coffin dodgers having a red hot sexathon. Sorry.
The Bank of England
All this uncertainty about interest rates and inflation and economic instability generally is interfering with your mojo. The fact that you say ‘mojo’ is likely a problem too. And telling people you’re celibate due to worrying about Britain’s GDP will definitely ensure you don’t get a shag.
Solution: Trust in the markets. Read the financial news closely and if we can keep dodging a recession maybe you’ll get your end away in the fourth quarter?
Your partner
In murders, the victim usually knows the killer. In exactly the same way, your partner is the prime suspect when it comes to your crap sex life. Who didn’t shag you last night? Was it the postman? Was it Leonardo DiCaprio? Was it the dog? No, it was your partner. (That’s rhetorical, by the way. You shouldn’t shag your dog.)
Solution: They need to ask themselves why they’re not trying to get their leg over at every opportunity with a looker like you. Repeatedly ask why they’re such a frigid cow or ‘only half a man’. That’s sure to make them pull their socks up.
