Weird couple have story about how they got together that isn't 'got pissed and shagged'

AN unusual couple have an unsettling story about how they got together that does not involve vast quantities of alcohol followed by forgettable sex.

Lucy Phipps and Oliver O’Connor leave people confused by their unconventional courtship, which consisted of meeting via mutual friends and gradually getting to know each other over a number of dates.

Friend Sophie Rodriguez said: “It turns out they went to an art gallery together before they’d seen each other’s genitals. I’m a broadminded person but I don’t think that’s right.

“They had these strange conversations about things like their families and future dreams, rather than shouting in each other’s faces in a club for five minutes before starting to snog. 

“And apparently they didn’t have sex until their eighth date, and it was an exciting and memorable experience that showed them how deeply compatible they are. Ew, creepy.

“It not natural, is it? Everyone knows that relationships start when you’re drunk and continue that way until you sober up six months later and realise you’ve moved in together and got a dog.”

Phipps said: “I do feel I’ve missed out on the romance of being sick in the street with a horny stranger who can’t get it up later. Maybe I’ll have an affair.”

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Whose fault is it you're not having any sex?

IF you’ve not had sex for ages it’s obviously not your fault. So who is to blame? And how can you stop them sabotaging the mind-blowing sex you’d be having otherwise?

Your boss

Does your manager make you work all the hours God sends, when other people are off having weird sexual entanglements with possibly-insane strangers from apps? If so, your boss is clearly the cock-blocker here. 

Solution: Find a new job, or start shagging someone at work, maybe your boss. You can trade sexual favours to get your workload reduced. That’s normal.

Your star sign

Only a couple of astrological signs (Leo and Scorpio) are super-sexy ones, and even then it relies on Venus being ascendant in the parallax of Coruscant, or some such bollocks. 

Solution: Definitely tell people your lack of sex is due to the Zodiac and the infinite mysteries of the cosmos. Hippy girls will think that’s perfectly normal and they’re noted goers.

Your parents

Your mum and dad meant well but their regime of clarinet lessons, taking an interest in your homework and walking holidays in the Lake District made you a dysfunctional spod unsuited to an adult life of seduction and pounding. Or there’s the time they rubbed each other’s backs when they thought you were not looking. It was weird and put you off intimacy for life. Either way, your bang-free existence is their fault. 

Solution: You’ve got to accept that your parents are sexual beings too. Oh God, now you’re thinking about the two wrinkly old coffin dodgers having a red hot sexathon. Sorry.

The Bank of England

All this uncertainty about interest rates and inflation and economic instability generally is interfering with your mojo. The fact that you say ‘mojo’ is likely a problem too. And telling people you’re celibate due to worrying about Britain’s GDP will definitely ensure you don’t get a shag.

Solution: Trust in the markets. Read the financial news closely and if we can keep dodging a recession maybe you’ll get your end away in the fourth quarter?

Your partner

In murders, the victim usually knows the killer. In exactly the same way, your partner is the prime suspect when it comes to your crap sex life. Who didn’t shag you last night? Was it the postman? Was it Leonardo DiCaprio? Was it the dog? No, it was your partner. (That’s rhetorical, by the way. You shouldn’t shag your dog.)

Solution: They need to ask themselves why they’re not trying to get their leg over at every opportunity with a looker like you. Repeatedly ask why they’re such a frigid cow or ‘only half a man’. That’s sure to make them pull their socks up.