How to be disenfranchised by bullshit in today's local elections: A guide

TODAY local elections will be held around the country which, because of some Tory bollocks, you will not be able to vote in. Here’s how it will work:

At 12pm you visit your local primary school to punish whichever local candidate belongs to the national party you like least. An old lady informs you photographic ID is required.

Show the lady your polling card. She explains this is not photographic ID because it does not have a photograph on. Ask when this bullshit started. She explains the Conservatives brought it in because of unevidenced hypothetical voter fraud.

Show your work pass. She explains this is not valid and lists accepted ID which you have never in your life heard of, especially the PASS card and Voter Authority Certificate. You do not have a driving licence but do have a passport.

Head home. Look for your passport. Realise that you last had it for a family holiday in 2021 and it is at your mum’s house. Call mum to check. She confirms it is safe in the bureau.

Head back to polls with expired Oyster card from when you lived in London, dimly recalling that on the list. Your voting intention has changed in the last three hours to ‘whoever kicks these bastards out’.

Show the lady your Oyster card. She explains this is not valid ID because you are not over 60. Explain that is discriminatory against young people. She nods.

Furious, burn your polling card outside the polling station for a photographer from the local newspaper who does not get the shot because he is 85 and using a 30-year-old camera. He apologises then goes in to vote.

Go home. Sulk. Vow to get whatever is needed for the next election so you can fulfil your intentions re. the bastards, as above.

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Mezzanine, and other supposedly great albums that are actually really f**king boring

HAVE you been told an album is a classic only to find it’s incredibly tedious? It was probably one of these:

Mezzanine, Massive Attack

After two excellent albums of intense mumbling and beautiful singing, Bristolian trip-hoppers Massive Attack released a third which went so hard on the mumbling that it stopped being intense and became dull. Teardrop is a gorgeous song, but ‘mumble-hop’ never caught on as a genre, strangely.

Dark Side of the Moon, Pink Floyd

It might be mind-expanding psychedelic rock, but that doesn’t stop it being boring. The songs are way too long, the lyrics are either obvious or don’t make sense, the cash till ringing at the start of Money reminds you of Are You Being Served? and eventually even the biggest fan is hoping that woman will shut up on The Great Gig in the Sky. By the end you may well feel you’ve been ‘hanging on in quiet desperation’, so it’s definitely an immersive experience.

(What’s The Story) Morning Glory, Oasis

After the huge success of Definitely Maybe, Oasis’ second album was meant to be one of the best of all time. However, it just sounds like they’re plagiarising their own work, and also unfortunately inflicted the misery of Wonderwall on the world. It still hasn’t gone away almost 30 years later, like a recurring fungal infection.

Sergeant Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band, The Beatles

Dissing The Beatles? Sacrilege! But let’s be honest, this is their most overrated album, chock full of lumpen, plodding songs, plus some annoyingly chirpy ones, not to mention the aural crime scene which is When I’m Sixty-Four. Just listen to A Day In The Life and let yourself off the hook with the rest. Or just stick on Revolver instead in the first place, because that’s actually their best album, as any self-respecting Mojo-reading wanker knows. 

The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill

Some cracking songs on here, but it’s excessively long so there’s an awful lot of filler. However, what makes this a deeply tedious listen are the recordings of a teacher talking to a class of children inserted between each track. Nobody wants to know a kid’s opinion on the subject of love, they just want to listen to Doo Wop (That Thing), for Christ’s sake.