How to spot a former Tory voter who'd prefer someone more fascist

MANY people won’t be voting Conservative again today. You agree with their decision, until it emerges that they’re only annoyed with the Tories for not being right-wing enough. Here are the warning signs. 

At first they sound totally reasonable

They’ll say things like: ‘The Tories haven’t done anything for ordinary people.’  And you think: ‘Yes, levelling up was bollocks and public services desperately need investment.’ But actually they mean the Tories should have brought back hanging, cut all benefits to £0 a week and deported anyone who isn’t ‘Brilliant White’ on the Dulux colour chart.

You’ll praise them prematurely for changing their minds

It takes a big man, or woman, to admit they were wrong. As you prepare to applaud their humility, you’ll discover they don’t regret voting Conservative, just that the Tories haven’t got an effective leader like, say, Adolf Hitler.

They haven’t voted Labour or Lib Dem instead

Rather unfairly, voters use local elections to register disapproval of parties at a national level. So when a former Tory confirms they’ve voted differently this time, it’s easy to assume they’ve opted for Labour or the Lib Dems. They won’t have. They’ll have voted for the most right-wing candidate on the voting form, whether it’s Reform UK, Britain First or a lone nutter claiming to be ‘The Anti-Woke Common Sense and Rights for Whites Party’.

Wait for immigration to come up 

It won’t take long. About five seconds after they’ve said the government needs to sort out the immigration system, they’ll be ranting about how the Royal Navy should sink dinghies coming to Dover with torpedoes and machine gun the survivors in the water. It’s all totally ridiculous and mental, but at least they’ve cleared up any confusion.

They still f**king adore Brexit

If a former Tory says ‘Brexit is a total mess’ they don’t mean Brexit was a bad idea – they mean our negotiators didn’t magically ‘get a good deal’ (they can’t explain what that is) and make all the Brexit promises come true. In their eyes Brexit is only a complete f**king disaster because of the EU, Guardian readers and the Devil in human form, Gary Lineker. 

Don’t expect any form of consistency

They’ll say they don’t like Rishi Sunak because he’s rich. If you point out that, while not in the same league, Boris Johnson was rich, as are most Tory MPs, they’ll rapidly get bored with applying logic. Eventually they’ll admit they just want a leader who hates Muslims and sends in the riot police to beat hippyish middle-class protesters unconscious.

They don’t give a shit about actual Tory incompetence

Examples of Tory incompetence abound – f**k-ups like PPE procurement during Covid; Liz Truss and Kwasi Kwarteng’s economic lunacy; or Britain’s polluting water companies, which prove they can’t or won’t regulate to solve a relatively simple problem. However the former Tory voter’s definition of incompetence is: ‘There’s a benefits family on my daughter’s street who bought their son a new pair of trainers. Why aren’t they stopping that?’

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Bands that would have been better if you'd been in them

SOME bands give you a strong feeling of ‘I could do that’. And you definitely could. Here are some famous acts that stupidly never got you on board.

Take That

When Robbie left the remaining members should have recruited you. Not having a chiselled torso, good looks or the ability to dance would not have been an obstacle, because pie-loving songwriter Gary Barlow would have viewed you as a welcome distraction from himself. Still, it’s their loss.

Destiny’s Child

Okay, Beyoncé and the other two could definitely shake it and work it, but they were nothing compared to you and the girls on an apocalyptic night out. When was the last time Destiny’s Child upped the energy so high they had to stop a performance to search for a contact lens or fix a broken heel? They would if you were on stage.

The Stone Roses

What were the Roses conspicuously missing, apart from a singer who could sing? That’s right, a Bez character dancing his tits off. All the best druggy baggy bands needed one, so the Stone Roses would have been even more legendary if Ian had given his maracas to you. For Second Coming you could have played air guitar like an embarrassing Status Quo fan, because no one cared by then.


Standing rigid behind synthesisers in shirts and ties, the pioneering German 70s electro-pop band weren’t much to look at. What they needed was you doing the ‘robotics’ dance moves everyone loves at your office Christmas party, adding a strong visual element the group sadly lacked. Plus, you wouldn’t have needed to get changed from work.


It’s said that if you think you should have been in the Sugababes, then you probably were. With no original members in the current line-up, they should give you a call. You can do Push The Button at karaoke down the pub, and you could give them a more lucrative, raunchier, Pussycat Dolls image by not bothering to wear a skirt.


With a singer who thinks he’s Christ and a guitarist cosplaying as a character from a western, there’s surely room in U2 for your own brand of narcissism. Maybe you could come on stage as another spiritual leader like the Buddha… or Gandhi? The band’s recent Las Vegas tenure would have lasted longer than a feeble 17 dates and be worth more than a pathetic $100 million with you on board.