Queen to be put back on fixing trucks

THE QUEEN is to return to work as a truck mechanic as she did during the war, Buckingham Palace has confirmed.

After her Majesty offered to do anything she could to help the battle against coronavirus, she has been ordered to get back in her wartime overalls and report to her old garage in Camberley, Surrey.

She said: “One admits one wasn’t expecting it, but it feels good to get one’s hands dirty again, know what one means?

“That one’s done, Gav. I’ve aligned the wheels. No, the Volvo not the Scania. The other way, you f**king muppet. Jesus. Sorry, can’t take one’s eye off that idiot Gav for a minute or he’ll balls something up.

“Like one was saying, the old skills never leave you. Vehicles have changed a bit but it’s still all about a pot of grease and a bloody big spanner at the end of the day.

“Is that Volvo driver giving you lip? Charge him for three new shocks and tell him to sling his hook. They haven’t been done, but the fat bastard had a picture of Meghan up in his cab.”

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Five stupid reasons morons believe all this is happening

WE’RE all aware that COVID-19 is bad, but some morons believe it has appeared ‘for a reason’. Prepare yourself for an argument with these people by learning about their idiotic theories.

The earth is trying to reverse climate change

A global pandemic has given nations no option but to cancel flights, shut down industry and restrict traffic. Is Mother Earth giving all her children an almighty ticking off for their naughty behaviour, or are you an idiot? Definitely the latter.

Wall Street made it happen

The notion that traders have unleashed a deadly virus and created an international crisis to make money out of a stock market crash is beyond the realms of even the most committed conspiracy theorist. Unless you’re an idiot, of course, in which case you’ve already started a Facebook group devoted to it.

We needed a reminder about what’s really important

Is the coronavirus outbreak a cosmic warning that humanity needs to take a step back from the relentless march of progress and return to a simpler time? The long, miserable queue outside Sainsbury’s might make you think otherwise, unless you’re a moron.

Aliens beamed the virus down

If you avoid logic, reason and common sense, the idea that a new-to-humans virus has been put here by extraterrestrials in flying saucers is a sound argument. Is it an intergalactic bio-weapon or are you just stupid?

The Illuminati are up to their old tricks

If your knowledge comes from online message boards, you’ll know that Earth is run by an elite group who are using coronavirus to keep us at home so they can go about their shadowy business without scrutiny. Makes sense, if you’re of limited brain capacity.