Kirstie Allsopp's guide to crafting your way through coronavirus

YES, I moved my virus-hit family to Devon, but I needed to be safe so I could annoy you with my creative and crafty tips. Here’s how to ensure your self-isolation is a jolly old time. 

Use the lockdown time to spruce up your second home

If you’re privileged enough to have one, of course. However, it’s important that your home is hygienic as well as gorgeous, so make sure any non-essential family members get there via public transport. If they show any symptoms, simply leave them on the train to Penzance.

Reupholster your patio furniture

So you can enjoy your outdoor space. If you catch the neighbours having a sociable barbecue, give them a good ticking off. Processed meat is both common and disgusting, so they should delay until they’ve got a better cut from a local butcher.

Cheer up your dinner table by crocheting some fancy doilies

Even if all you can afford to eat is baked beans, a doily adds a touch of class. I’m lucky to be able to eat better than that because I made a canny investment in a pair of lovely semis and a seaside bolthole 20 years ago. And also my family is f**king rich.

Get your kids making things in the garden

We enjoy crafting red pom-poms and throwing them about, pretending they’re corona spores. Try not to get them in your neighbour’s garden as they may catch the actual coronavirus if they touch them. Though on the upside, if they die they’ll leave a delightful pad for your Hampstead friends to buy.

Stay at home

Because Channel 4 are very close to signing me up for Kirstie’s Corona Craft Home and you must all watch me making darling little trinkets, such as upcycling Laura Ashley dresses into floral PPE.

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Britons now calling it the 'f**king-corona-f**king-virus'

THE UK is now referring to the coronavirus as the ‘f**king-corona-f**king-virus’, or will also accept ‘COVID-bastard-19’. 

The renaming came because citizens were tired of using medical terms to describe the virus causing the global pandemic and wanted something more suited to their feelings.

Wayne Hayes said: “Me and the lads were having some drinks on Zoom and decided we really need a better name for this thing. The ones we’re currently using just aren’t cutting it.

“After a long night of brainstorming we decided that instead of giving it a cool name it doesn’t deserve we’d just insert expletives into the twat’s current monikers to leave it in no doubt of our contempt.

“From now on, everyone has to call it the f**king-corona-f**king-virus, even in chats with elderly relatives. When on a business call, it will be exclusively referred to it as COVID-bastard-19. These are the new rules.”

Dr Helen Archer said: “Of course, as a frontline medic, we have to use the clinical name. Which is ‘that spiky little motherf**ker we are determined to kill’.”