Boris Johnson leading the nation by f**king terrible example

THE prime minister is leading the nation by setting a f**king terrible example showing them what not to do, Downing Street has claimed. 

A spokesman said Boris Johnson is providing a valuable public service by demonstrating what happens when you ignore social distancing and act as if it is all a big joke that will not affect you personally.

He continued: “What Boris has done, by selflessly contracting the coronavirus and passing it on to the second most important minister in government right now, oh and the chief medical officer, is show that nobody is immune from this thing.

“And because he’s been so candid, he’s really taught the nation what to avoid, like shaking hands with coronavirus patients and then shaking hands with everyone else. Like a dick.

“Across the country total idiots, who are often among Boris’s strongest supporters, will hopefully think ‘Oh, perhaps I shouldn’t deliberately be an arsehole about this after all. Look what happened to Boris.'”

Nathan Muir of Stoke-on-Trent said: “If Boris is getting coronavirus, so am I. Because we’re both proper lads who don’t give a shit.”

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Boris Johnson's guide to self-isolating

BUGGER. This is terribly bad news for both me and the country, but mainly me. Here’s how I intend to send the coronavirus packing.

Avoiding contact with people

I’m already rather good at this, as I showed recently by not bothering to visit flood victims. Right now I’m isolating in my bedroom and keeping myself occupied with a good book. Not one of mine, obviously. They’re just shit I churn out for money.

Protecting my loved ones

I’m being careful not to pass on the virus to the people closest to me, so Dominic Cummings has been told to stay away for a bit. Maybe Carrie should as well. Dunno. However I don’t really care if wankers like Gove get it.

Fighting the virus with bluster 

Mindless bluster without any substance has served me well all my career, so I see no reason why it shouldn’t work now. I’ve been standing in front of a mirror bellowing “LET’S GET THIS VIRUS DONE – IT’S WHAT THE BRITISH PEOPLE WANT”. It got me the job of prime minister, unbelievably.

Taking comfort in the classics 

My shaky knowledge of classical literature and Latin is proving to be a great comfort during this challenging time. Like Herodotus smiting the minotaur on his Trojan horse, I intend to win this personal Battle of Thermopylae. Ipso facto. Quo Vadis. Ad nauseum. See how jolly clever I am?

Getting out of press conferences

On the upside I won’t have to do those daily press conferences that are such a balls-ache where nobody laughs at my jokes. I’ll get the work experience to do them instead. Rishi, you okay to do my press conferences?