How is your family plaguing you on WhatsApp during the crisis?

YOU may have shaken off your family thanks to social distancing, but there’s no escaping them once they set up a WhatsApp group. Here’s what to expect.

An insane number of messages

You’ll get at least 44 messages a minute at peak times – usually rubbish like a government press conference or a new toilet paper meme. At non-peak times, eg. when they should all be bloody asleep, it will drop to 41 messages per minute.

Details of your uncle’s shitting habits

According to your aunt, he’s decreased the number of sheets he uses per toilet trip, thanks to her strict rationing system. Thanks for the mental image of Uncle Geoff on the bog, Auntie Lynne.

Daily stocktakes of your mum’s tinned tomato cans

She’s cut down from using six tins a week to two, “just in case”, even though she still has 36 in the cupboard. This is giving you PTSD flashbacks to your monotonous childhood diet when she would heat up some tinned tomatoes and sausages in a dish and claim she’d made a casserole.

The words ‘Uncle Kev is typing…’ hovering ominously on the screen

Your idiot uncle Kevin assumes you’ll love a video he found of two bikini-clad women wrestling in a paddling pool of hand sanitiser. Will also send pictures of him and his mates gamely ignoring social-distancing rules with numerous laughing face emojis.

Tedious homeschooling pictures 

Your sister will send pictures of how brilliantly her homeschooling is going – and how clean their massive kitchen is. Also expect at least 500 sanctimonious mentions of how her husband is volunteering to help the NHS.

Absolutely no input from your dad

Apparently he’s “getting all the jobs done”, ie. faffing about in the shed. He’ll arrive in the WhatsApp group around April 2023, when he’s finally worked out how to use his cheapo Nokia, with the illuminating message ‘helllo?’.

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Next door neighbours become 80 per cent more irritating

YOUR next door neighbours have become more annoying now you are locked down next to them, experts have confirmed. 

The Institute for Studies said it had expected neighbours to get a bit on your nerves but could not have predicted how completely irritating they are.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “Our research was based on categories including choice of music played and at what volume, cooking smells, pet sounds, random banging coming from the paper-thin wall adjacent to yours, and enthusiastic lovemaking.

“Many neighbours got the maximum score in all of these categories and more. We gave bonus points for blasting Chris Brown in the garden with little or no remorse. 

“And now of course they have the option of emotionally blackmailing you into clapping awkwardly for NHS staff.”

Neighbour Ellie Shaw said: “Actually we’re just being annoying in the hope of starting a long-running dispute with the neighbours to while away the hours while we’re stuck at home. 

“We don’t even have a dog. I’ve downloaded the sound of a terrier barking and put it on a constant loop on my laptop speakers. It will bring us together.”