Friday, 29th May 2020

What to do now you've bought too much stuff like a f**king idiot

ARE you drowning in a sea of panic-bought bog paper and food? Here are some ways to use up your stock of irresponsible purchases.

Build a house out of spaghetti

You’re going to have to use up all that pasta somehow. Bundled together with glue, spaghetti is (probably) an effective building material, enabling you to get on the property ladder, build a second home or join the lucrative buy-to-let market. Just watch out for rain.

Get into weird brewing

If you’ve ever been to prison you’ll know almost anything containing sugar can be turned into alcohol. Try distilling Heinz baked beans and pork sausages vodka, or how about a delicious pint of stale bread lager? Even if the alcohol content is low the dangerous mould will give you the trip of a lifetime.

Experiment with what is edible

Can a household sponge marinated in chilli and garlic then deep fried really be much worse than most tofu recipes? Instead of mint ice cream, have a bowl of chilled toothpaste for dessert and never worry about brushing your teeth before bed again.

Don’t worry about diarrhoea

With 900 bog rolls filling your garage, you need never fear the squits again. Tuck into out-of-date food in the fridge, or ancient tins at the back of the cupboard. Your ringpiece will be screaming for mercy, but you’ll save at least £5 on buying new food.

Stop being a snob about eating pet food

You’ve probably bought enough dog or cat food to last 10 years longer than your beloved pet’s actual lifespan. And let’s admit it – those gourmet cat food pouches with gravy and vegetables are probably a lot nicer than the crap you make after getting in from the pub.