What to do now you've bought too much stuff like a f**king idiot

ARE you drowning in a sea of panic-bought bog paper and food? Here are some ways to use up your stock of irresponsible purchases.

Build a house out of spaghetti

You’re going to have to use up all that pasta somehow. Bundled together with glue, spaghetti is (probably) an effective building material, enabling you to get on the property ladder, build a second home or join the lucrative buy-to-let market. Just watch out for rain.

Get into weird brewing

If you’ve ever been to prison you’ll know almost anything containing sugar can be turned into alcohol. Try distilling Heinz baked beans and pork sausages vodka, or how about a delicious pint of stale bread lager? Even if the alcohol content is low the dangerous mould will give you the trip of a lifetime.

Experiment with what is edible

Can a household sponge marinated in chilli and garlic then deep fried really be much worse than most tofu recipes? Instead of mint ice cream, have a bowl of chilled toothpaste for dessert and never worry about brushing your teeth before bed again.

Don’t worry about diarrhoea

With 900 bog rolls filling your garage, you need never fear the squits again. Tuck into out-of-date food in the fridge, or ancient tins at the back of the cupboard. Your ringpiece will be screaming for mercy, but you’ll save at least £5 on buying new food.

Stop being a snob about eating pet food

You’ve probably bought enough dog or cat food to last 10 years longer than your beloved pet’s actual lifespan. And let’s admit it – those gourmet cat food pouches with gravy and vegetables are probably a lot nicer than the crap you make after getting in from the pub.

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Thanks for clapping me, says Johnson

THE prime minister has thanked Britain for clapping to show they do not blame him in the slightest for the current crisis. 

Boris Johnson has assumed the nation stood outside and applauded at 8pm to show their support for his leadership and to send a very clear message that none of this is his fault in any way.  

He said: “That’s good of them. And it feels good, to get that bit of appreciation for how hard I’m working. I haven’t had a holiday since February. 

“I think it was very clear in the applause that the people of Britain have absolved me of all blame, back all my decisions to the hilt, and won’t allow this unfortunate pandemic to affect them at the ballot box. 

“Indeed, I’m sure I detected an overtone of frustration with the focus on coronavirus and an urging to crack on and get Brexit done whatever the risks. But that could be me projecting. 

“Either way, I thank you for your spontaneous applause for those on the frontlines of this fight, ie. me and the cabinet. We’ll continue to be your heroes.”