Woman never realised husband was such a twat at work

A WOMAN working from home alongside her partner had not realised he was such an annoying dick in the workplace. 

Nikki Hollis was unprepared for the side of husband Steven’s personality that has turned out to be a self-important middle-management tosser. 

She said: “I thought Steve was a wonderful husband – kind, considerate, funny. But after finding out what he’s like at work I’m tentatively thinking, ‘Maybe get divorced?’

“I’ve heard his Zoom calls for days now and he’s got this awful nasal voice and interrupts people all the time. He’s started walking around while speaking, like he’s giving a f**king TED talk.”

Hollis said she was sure she heard Steven use the word ‘synergy’ at one point, but was not ready to face up to what that could mean for her marriage and kids. 

She added: “He’s just such a dick. I’m honestly not sure if he’s about to be sacked or be promoted. And his harmless banter with ‘Susan’ is just puke.” 

Steven is currently oblivious to this marital tension and is turning their spare room into an ‘imaginarium’ from which he will be able to host ‘blue-sky brainstorms’ and ‘inspire-a-thons’.

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How to keep your boomer relatives indoors

STRUGGLING with older relatives who refuse to stay at home? Here’s how to make sure they’ll never leave the front door again.

Say the government wants them to go outside

If your boomers are Daily Mail types, they will believe we live in a horrifically PC nanny state. Tell them the government wants them to go outside so drones can check the population for diversity. They’ll be so furious they’ll stick to the sofa like glue.

Tell them this is their Blitz

Thanks to romanticised movies, many boomers wish they could’ve experienced sheltering from Jerry’s doodlebugs. Use this to your advantage by comparing the coronavirus to the Luftwaffe and telling them their living room is now effectively the London Underground.

Exploit their love of houses 

Boomers love the property market, so scare them rigid with a cock-and-bull story about gangs of squatters moving into houses while the owners are at Tesco. This will seem entirely plausible because they watch Channel 5 programmes with titles like All New Buy-To-Let Nightmares.

Blackmail

Play dirty by reminding them that you’ve seen their internet search history, and all it takes is one tweet from yours truly to share it with the world. You will have to waste even more time explaining to them what a tweet is, though. 

Get to know them

This should be used purely as a last resort. Once you ask a few questions about their childhood they will not stop talking for days and will find your attentive ears more appealing than anything the outside world has to offer. At this point you will be tempted to push them out the door.