Your guide to holding out till midday before starting to drink

THESE are stressful times and you’ve probably stocked up on booze. But how do you hold out until noon, when it is fine to start getting leathered? Read our guide.

Pace vigorously up and down muttering ‘Mustn’t, mustn’t mustn’t’

This is great exercise and the sounds of you ‘keeping fit’ will convince your neighbours that you are in good, strong mental health.

Consider extra masturbation

You may already be self-abusing to a degree you never thought possible. Summon all your willpower and see if you can crank out another to make it till 12 o’clock. It’s probably your patriotic duty, or something.

Promise yourself an extra drink after midnight if you refrain until midday

This is what psychologists call ‘deferred gratification’. Stiffen your sinews now and you’ll be rewarded in the small hours with a well-deserved very large whisky.

Put a severe-looking picture of your mother on your fridge

She may be self-isolating and unable to track your every movement, but see how she seems to glower at you as you open that fridge door for a can of lager instead of lettuce.

Drink till five in the morning so you don’t wake up until one in the afternoon

This may seem like a heroic effort but if carried out properly you might get the bonus of not wanting a drink before 12pm the day after the day after. 


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Gammons demand referendum on telling the coronavirus to sod off

BRITAIN’S gammons have called for a referendum to tell the coronavirus to get lost like we did with the EU.

Middle-aged Brexit fans believe another vote would allow the UK to become independent of the coronavirus, which is also foreign and makes them angry now Wetherspoons is shut.

Leave voter Roy Hobbs said: “Referendums sort out everything. Look how brilliant everything has been since we completely left the EU earlier this year.

“Nigel Farage can come back to campaign against the virus. He’s a bloody legend who told Jean-Claude Juncker to get lost, so if anyone can beat a deadly global pandemic, it’s Nigel.” 

Fellow Brexiter Martin Bishop said: “We’d need a good slogan like ‘Taking back control’, maybe ‘We’re not getting ill’. If we put it on the side of a bus that should do it.

“We might even win with a majority that isn’t total bollocks this time.”