Five incredibly stupid things you shouldn't be doing right now

LOOKING to get an iconic photo of yourself posing in front of an empty city? Stop and do not do that, you ignorant prick. Resist the temptation to do these things too. 

Going on a six-hour hike

Technically you’re in the fresh air, you’re interacting with nobody and you’re allowed out once a day for for exercise. But is it worth the risk of buggering your ankle in a badger’s sett and needing medical attention just to get your money’s worth out of your North Face?

Shopping around

There’s a time and a place for visiting several supermarkets to get £2 off a bottle of Absolut, and that time is not f**king now. Pay the extra, shut up and go directly home. 

Driving to a beauty spot

Sure, you didn’t get out of the car. But when the advice is ‘stay at home’ surely you can still follow it when the other option is getting very, very ill? Apparently not, and your need for a view means it’s time to stretch the rules. 

Ordering loads of crap

Yes, on Amazon Prime you can get a harpsichord and a falconry glove delivered by first thing tomorrow, but you will neither use this period to learn the harpsichord nor take up falconry. Stop making other people work through this because you’re bored. 

Asking for money for your bollocks project

Tens of thousands have lost their income. You taking to social media to crowdfund cash for your coronavirus drone abstract film concept is not vital and nobody will be inspired by you.

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Idiots finally realise toilet paper is not a valuable commodity

BRITAIN’S idiots are beginning to realise that cheap paper for wiping your bottom is not a valuable commodity like gold or diamonds.

Experts hope the realisation will lead to toilet paper being freely available in supermarkets again soon, in a historic day possibly known as ‘Brown Monday’.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “Toilet paper isn’t a good investment, nor is it a useful medical device. It’s good for removing poo and wee and that’s about it. 

“Our research suggests that even if you become ill you probably won’t need extra toilet tissue, and in an emergency a damp J cloth would probably do the job.

“Also you can’t really sell it to your neighbours for 50 quid a roll without them coming round and beating you up when the crisis is over.”

Hoarder Stephen Malley said: “I was expecting bog roll would become so valuable I’d be a multi-millionaire and lead the life of Lamborghinis and swimsuit models I’ve always craved.

“Now my dreams are shattered and I’ll get a bitter reminder of what could have been every time I wipe my bum.”