Queen Unable To Find Official Opening Area At Terminal Five

THE launch of Heathrow's new terminal building has been delayed after the Queen and Prince Philip were unable to locate the official opening area.

The Royal couple were last seen milling around the French-style cafe down the far end, staring at rows and rows of blank screens.

The Queen told onlookers: "We got here nice and early, but I do find all these signs terribly confusing. What a palaver. Do you think they'll wait for us?"

But an angry Prince Philip said: "If you're going to put a bloody sign up, it should at least point you in the right fucking direction, for Christ's sake!

"We followed the symbol for 'official opening' until we came to a crossroads, and then, surprise-surprise, nothing. They just leave you standing there looking like an arse!

"That sign has got a little train on it, right? So you'd think that meant 'railway station'. But if you follow the little arrow you eventually come to an unfinished toilet full of surly Chinamen.

"This one shows a plane taking off. What the hell does that mean? Is it for people who want to get on the plane? Or is it for people who want to watch the planes taking off?

"And this one over here says 'gates 1-422'. Oh, well done! That really fucking narrows it down, doesn't it?"

He added: "As far as I can tell this is just a big shed full of perfume shops and bastard foreigners. I'm not happy."

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Hedge Funds Now Most Important Thing People Know Nothing About

HEDGE funds have overtaken the Big Bang as the most important thing people know nothing about.

As a massive American hedge fund faces imminent collapse, millions of people across the globe have found themselves panicking without the faintest idea why.

Tom Logan, head of markets at Donnelly-McPartlin, said: "This fund was over- speculated in long-term, prime-reverse wide-money.

"It could be devastating or it could be utterly insignificant. Would you like to buy a Range Rover?"

Wayne Hayes, 42, from Chelmsford, said: "I was saying to Geoff, I said, 'Geoff mate, this is the big one'. And he's like, 'why?', and I'm like, 'if you don't know, there's no point in me trying to explain it you'."

Meanwhile Nikki Hollis, 33, from Doncaster said: "It couldn't have been very strong. Did they get it from Homebase? I hope they managed to get all the little birds nests out."

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said the confusion over hedge funds had arisen because many ordinary people were buying the Economist, but then reading it upside down.

He added: "Essentially, hedge funds are used to buy commodities like rice, jam, stock cubes and the like.

"When the stock cubes reach the agreed 'hedging' level the shares are transformed into something called 'double-bonded, hard-edged gilts' which then take on one and a half times their initial value for a period of around six weeks.

"After six weeks the buyer, or 'goose', can then hand them back or sell them 'up the chain'.

"If, at that point, the value falls, you become a homeless crack addict."