Queen Unable To Find Official Opening Area At Terminal Five

THE launch of Heathrow's new terminal building has been delayed after the Queen and Prince Philip were unable to locate the official opening area.

'We're going round in circles. There's that Costa Coffee again'

The Royal couple were last seen milling around the French-style cafe down the far end, staring at rows and rows of blank screens.

The Queen told onlookers: "We got here nice and early, but I do find all these signs terribly confusing. What a palaver. Do you think they'll wait for us?"

But an angry Prince Philip said: "If you're going to put a bloody sign up, it should at least point you in the right fucking direction, for Christ's sake!

"We followed the symbol for 'official opening' until we came to a crossroads, and then, surprise-surprise, nothing. They just leave you standing there looking like an arse!

"That sign has got a little train on it, right? So you'd think that meant 'railway station'. But if you follow the little arrow you eventually come to an unfinished toilet full of surly Chinamen.

"This one shows a plane taking off. What the hell does that mean? Is it for people who want to get on the plane? Or is it for people who want to watch the planes taking off?

"And this one over here says 'gates 1-422'. Oh, well done! That really fucking narrows it down, doesn't it?"

He added: "As far as I can tell this is just a big shed full of perfume shops and bastard foreigners. I'm not happy."