Ant Colonies Just Like 'Dallas', Say Experts

ANT colonies are not harmoniously run communes but large sprawling ranches in Texas rife with infighting and extra-marital affairs, new research reveals.

Most male ants are scheming oil barons with an arch nemesis called Cliff and regularly sneak off from work in the afternoon to sleep with their mistresses.

Women ants, meanwhile, are mainly secret alcoholics who constantly divorce and re-marry the same man, or shoot him three times in the chest.

Dr Bill McKay, of the Institute for Studies, said: “We surveyed more than one million ants living in 40 colonies using some of the smallest forms the Institute has ever developed.

“We found that while most of the ants did have breakfast together on the veranda every day they all hated each other’s guts, especially the married ones.

“Most ant men had employed people as ranch hands that subsequently turned out to be their illegitimate son from an affair they had completely forgot about.

“Many would also get divorced from their wives, engaged to someone else, discover that they were still in love with their former wife and then, after they had re-proposed to them, get run over by a car driven by their ex-sister in law, but they would not really die after all, although she would.

"At least I think that was it. It was all very confusing.”

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Tiny Island People Were Ewoks, Not Hobbits, Say Scientists

THE tiny human-like bones found on a South Pacific Island may have belonged to small furry creatures known as 'Ewoks', and not Hobbits as previously thought.

For months the scientific community has been split over whether the remains were evidence of Hobbits, and if so, whether they were Bagginses or Underhills.

But now a team from the Institute for Studies has blown the debate wide open with the claim that the remains are evidence of a small furry species that was sort of a cross between a monkey and a bear.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: "The Ewoks did not look particularly human but they could walk upright and were able to manufacture clothing, tools and elaborate treehouse cities.

"We also found parts of a huge military machine, which suggests they may have been involved in a battle with some kind of evil empire."

But Dr Denys Hatton, one of the leading Hobbit advocates, said: "Not only are they Hobbits but they are very clearly Baggins Hobbits.

"Look at the all the clay pipes and big, round, green doors we found. Do Underhills have green doors? Do Ewoks smoke pipes? I think not!"

Meanwhile a third school of thought has emerged which has dismissed the Hobbit and Ewok theories, insiting the bones belong to a species of three foot-high, second hand robot salesmen called 'Jawas'.

Dr Wayne Hayes, of Dundee University, said: "They lived a long time ago and roamed the desert looking for stray robots which they would then recondition and sell to primitive farming communities.

"We believe many of them may have been wiped out during a search for two rebel droids."