Ramsay Launches Campaign For Seasonal Freaky Sex Drugs

TV chef Gordon Ramsay is urging consumers to buy freaky sex drugs that are in season.

Ramsay said too many British households are making do with cheap, frozen sex potions that have been shipped half way across the world and have lost all their flavour.

The chef, known as a perfectionist when it comes to illicit, drug-fuelled hump sessions, added: "It's a bit silly to buy pre-packaged Yohimbe that's been flown-in from Kenya, all for the sake of a fast, easy erection when you get home from work.

"Talk to your local chemist about what's good right now. They'll have plenty of fresh, top quality sex juice and can even advise you on how to use it.

"At this time of year I like a ripe chunk of Vitamin B5. It goes really well with handcuffs, a chair and half a pound of good English butter.

"And if you're having friends over a small bottle of Amyl Nitrate will make a fantastic weekend orgy and there should even be enough leftover for a Wednesday night threesome.

"The important things is to enjoy your chemically enhanced erections. Have them at the dinner table and make them last as long as possible."

Ramsay has produced a new book and DVD including a month by month guide and dozens of new recipes including Poppers and Chicken, Summer Cock Salad and lamb seasoned with rosemary until it hurts.

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National Debt To Reach Christ On A Bike

BRITAIN'S national debt will rise from No Way to Christ On A Bike, chancellor Alistair Darling announced yesterday.

In his pre-Budget report Mr Darling said that 'Sweet Jesus times require Bloody Hell measures,' adding: "Holy Living Mother of God, you will not fucking believe this."

The chancellor confirmed that next year the government would spend an extra Holy Shit, an increase of For Fuck's Sake compared to 2007.

Mr Darling told the House of Commons: "Is everyone sitting down? Right. Okay. How should I put this? You know how sometimes you're in a canoe on a big river filled with turds?"

The chancellor predicted the economy would shrink by Hell's Teeth during 2009 but would then recover at a rate of Where Exactly Are You Getting That From? rising to You're Obviously Just Making This Up by the end of 2010.

Meanwhile help to pensioners and low income families would be increased by How Pathetic Is That? while VAT will be cut by Just Spend It On Booze For Christ's Sake.

Shadow chancellor George Osborne said every middle class family would be hit by an immediate tax hike of This Is Absolutely Fucking Typical which could eventually rise to You've Ruined My Life, You Incompetent Bastards.

Mr Osborne insisted a Tory government would peg government spending at Hang On I'm Still Getting My Head Round This, but warned that budgets may have to be cut by Don't Worry, You'll Be Okay If You've Got Bupa.