POLICEMEN across England and Wales could not sleep last night after being told they were going to get electric stun guns.
The Home Office said 10,000 tasers would be issued to forces across the country, causing the Police Federation to jump up and down while holding its privates to stop it from urinating.
Tom Logan, a constable from Norwich, said: "I'll be like 'freeze scumbag!' and then he'll be like 'no way, copper' and I'll be like 'zzzzap!'.
"And then he'll be on the ground all jiggling and stuff and the electricity will be all over his body and it'll be all blue and sparky and then his eyes will just, like, pop out of his head and explode!"
According to the Home Office tasers can be used in almost any situation, apart from disabling Brazilian electricians who have 'built up an immunity'.
A Home Office spokesman said: "It will allow frontline officers to confront potentially dangerous suspects with increased confidence and be totally amazing."
He added: "Tasers are better than ordinary guns because they're electric. They're actually a bit like lasers. And who in their right mind is going to want want a gun when they could have a laser?
"Imagine, right, if you had a gun and I had a laser, you could shoot at me and I could, like, use my laser to deflect the bullet and then shoot you. Guns… fuck off."
In a separate announcement the Department of Health has predicted a 100,000% increase in members of the public electrocuted for being cheeky.