Red carpet hits indistinguishable from red carpet misses

STARS whose dresses were judged failures at the Golden Globes looked exactly like stars who were successful, it has emerged.

It burns the eyes

Actresses in figure-hugging clothing, all more attractive than anyone has ever seen in real life, have been arbitrarily divided into paragons of beauty or ragged, ridiculous clowns.

Emma Bradford of Halifax said: “According to this Lana Del Rey’s blue dress was so disastrous that she was chased by a mob with pitchforks, while Felicity Jones blue gown was a link between our world and the divine.

“I completely agree, but I’ve no idea what they look like and I might have got the wrong one.”

Fashion blogger Eleanor Shaw said: “There is no middle ground.

“Either an actress gets it right, or the red carpet yawns open and drags them down to Hades for their vile fashion sense.

“The judgements of the Mail Online sidebar are incontestable and final.”

The men attending the ceremony wore suits and had spent an average of 13 minutes on their hair.

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Miliband offers to debate with himself

ED MILIBAND has said he will take part in televised election debates even if he is the only one there. 

The Labour leader, who hopes that the debate will mean upwards of 30 per cent of voters will find out who he is, has told producers that he has a great deal of experience talking to himself and actually comes out on top occasionally.

Miliband said: “I am happy to debate the real David Cameron, a cardboard cutout of David Cameron or a sock puppet accurately representing David Cameron’s views.

“I’ve already made the sock puppets in fact, as part of my Saturday morning Craft Club, and my Nigel Farage impression is damn solid if I say so myself.”

The offer echoes the 2010 Labour leadership election Ed fought against his clever, funnier older brother David, who was revealed at the end to be a non-existent psychological projection of the man Ed wished he was.