Internet haunted by ghosts of Christmas shopping past

THE unquiet ghosts of Christmas internet browsing past are haunting Britain by popping up on every website they visit.

It doesn’t matter if you buy them or not

Millions are unable to safely surf the web without the spectral images of smoothie blenders, books or literally anything with the Frozen brand on hovering in their peripheral vision, taunting them for their poor decisions.

Joanna Kramer of Gloucester said: “Wherever I go – email, Heat, Groupon – the boots are there before I am, rattling their silver ankle chains, whispering to me.

“’You should have picked us,’ they say. ‘We were better, and you would have stormed that Christmas party, and now we’re 33 per cent off and you’re still single.’

“But they mock me cruelly, because whenever I give in and click they’ve never got my size.”

Trucker Stephen Malley said: “We spent too much on the kids and I can’t forget, because all the toys they never played with are capering around the margins of every website, winking at me, laughing.

“I’m getting everything from car boots next year.”

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Britain hit by hellish new strain of Stars In Their Eyes

A FRESH mutation of the Stars In Their Eyes virus could wipe out millions of vulnerable people, the NHS has warned.

The bug appeared to have been eradicated in the UK nearly a decade ago, but the disease has since re-emerged, like the Black Death.

Symptoms include vomiting, diarrhoea and an acute awareness of the futility of human endeavour.

An NHS spokesman said: “Anyone who feels nostalgic for poorly executed karaoke style singing is very ill.

“To be on the safe side, don’t watch TV on Saturday nights. Instead, use that time to go dogging, smash bottles against a wall or just get really into crystal meth.”