Couple use Google more than 38,000 times during single film

A VIEWING of Tudor drama The Other Boleyn Girl on Saturday evening generated 38,114 Google searches from a single IP address.

One of them gets executed, or something

The staggering number of queries, which caused local servers to go down across southern England, are blamed on a couple who came in to the BBC2 film late and had no idea what was going on.

Tom Booker, who watched the film with his partner Sarah, said: “Benedict Cumberbatch is in it, and we turned to the iPhones to settle an argument about whether he’d had his nose done.

“Then we couldn’t work out if the other bloke was from The Walking Dead or Our Friends in the North, and after each successive search we’d missed a bit more of the film and had to Google the plot, and so on.

“In our defence we were drunk as fuck.”

A spokesman for Google said: “A film like this, with a large number of vaguely familiar British actors and based very loosely on actual history, is a perfect storm for us.

“The Wikipedia article on Henry VIII was accessed more than 18,000 times an hour, with many people wanting to know why he gave up being the Pope.

“Though the majority of the searches were ‘Portman nude’, ‘Johansson nude’, and ‘medieval lesbian kiss’.”

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Army to weaponise different types of gayness

GAY recruits to the armed forces will be asked what kind of gay they are so it can be weaponised.

The Ministry of Defence said homosexuality has been terrifying people for years and should now be classified for maximum battlefield impact.

A spokesman added: “A real ‘scene’ gay, who’s still into drag karaoke on a Sunday night, terrifies the life out of the sort of fanatics who want to attack us.

“Meanwhile older, wiser gays can give us a psychological insight into the raging machismo and repressed desires of Russia.”

Captain Nathan Muir said: “I told my brigadier that I was an ‘otter’ so he said I should become a sniper ‘because of my excellent eyesight’.

“I explained that it simply means I’m hairy, but smaller than a ‘bear’ at which point he said he had always thought of himself as a large coypu.

“This could take a while.”