Richard Littlejohn in S & M relationship with binmen

DAILY Mail columnist Richard Littlejohn is in a sadomasochistic master-slave relationship with his binmen, he has admitted.

The journalist described the work of rubbish collection operatives as ‘a perversion of public service’ and ‘so freaking hot’.

Binman Bill McKay say: “As soon as we turn the corner to his street we see him, lashed to the bin in that gimp suit he’s made out of black plastic bags and insulation tape.

“He’s breathless waiting for us to see what he’s done wrong – bin lids not closed, glass in the plastics container, not rinsing his milk bottles – then it’s up to us to find yet another bloody way of humiliating him.

“Usually we end up with him upside down in one of the bins, surrounded in rubbish, screaming something about how this would never have happened in the 1950s as he rubs himself with discarded Kraft cheese wrappers. You couldn’t make it up.”

McKay added that they do at least get a generous Christmas tip from Littlejohn, unlike at Polly Toynbee’s house next door where she tells them if they want more money they should negotiate through their union. 

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Cafe customer torn between wanting specific bit of cake and looking like a dick

A WOMAN has found herself torn over whether to pinpoint the specific slice of cake that she would like.

32-year-old cafe customer Mary Fisher was purchasing a piece of lemon drizzle cake when she noticed the wild variation in portion size.

She said: “Whoever sliced this cake did so with absolutely no attention to detail. Some of the slices are three times the size of others.

“Also you’ve got the end bits, which look quite dry. If I leave this is to chance it’s pure Russian roulette yet they’re all priced the same.

“However only a dick points at the cake cabinet and says ‘I want a bit of cake – that bit of cake’.

“Maybe the solution is to say ‘I want a relatively large bit of lemon drizzle but I’ll let you decide which one is appropriate’.

“It doesn’t have to be the biggest one. The second biggest one would be fine.”

Counter assistant Stephen Malley said: “When people specificy an exact slice of cake they often seem embarrassed, but I smile and reassure them that it’s fine.

“It’s not fine, I judge those people as ‘dead-hearted petty fuckers’.”