Royal baby watchers booing non-royal babies

CROWDS outside St Mary’s Hospital in West London have been hurling abuse at any non-royal newborns.

Frustrated Royal watchers have been blamed for the ugly atmosphere at the maternity wing, which has seen commoner babies enter the world to jeers and derisory chants.

Margaret Gerving of Guildford said: “Do these so-called mothers think I wear head-to-toe Union Jacks to celebrate the births of their scum children?

“I’m camping here for the new prince or princess, not a girl called Harley Jane who has a promising future on the other side of a Greggs counter.

“Still, it’ll all be worth it for that wonderful moment when the Royal baby is whisked away in an unmarked car with blacked-out windows.”

New mother Emma Bradford said: “It’s the happiest day of my life, though in an ideal world I could have done without the chants of ‘Who the fuck are, who the fuck are, who the fucking hell are you?’

“Then again, maybe it’s best for little Ashley to realise at an early age that royals are better than us.”

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Londoners falling down cool, independent holes

LONDONERS are competing to plunge into quirky, independently-run holes in the pavement.

A woman who fell into a hole in Fulham has been derided as a mainstream, chain-hole wannabe by the capital’s residents, who are plummeting into cool, curated spaces off the beaten track.

Helen Archer of Camberwell said: “I work on the South Bank, but the sinkholes there are crammed with tourists moaning about their broken ankles and don’t have that exclusive vibe.

“While just down the road from me there’s a really neat hole outside an old abattoir that’s so fresh it hasn’t even got cones around it.

“I tumbled in and liked it so much I spent two days there, lying on my side shouting weakly for medical attention along with two tabla musicians and a tech blogger.

“Don’t look for it now though, it was a pop-up.”

Julian Cook of Streatham said: “Anyone can fall below street level. Me and my girlfriend plunged more than 40ft into a Victorian sewer last night, with all the authentic fittings and absolutely dozens of rats.

“There’s a selection of vintage boardgames, they do a bloody marvellous macchiato, and it’s run by a 10ft albino alligator called Simon who makes guerrilla documentaries about skate culture.”