Cameron admits the United Kingdom is a terrible idea

THE union between England and Scotland is stupid and wrong, David Cameron has finally admitted.

Unveiling his plans to get rid of it, the prime minister said the UK should never have been established in the first place and the whole thing has been a huge waste of everyone’s time.

Cameron said: “I can’t believe I actually liked it. Maybe I was being sentimental, but I’ve now realised that it’s just a load of bollocks.

“We do need somewhere to keep the submarines, but England has an extensive coastline, so there must be somewhere we can park them. They can’t be that big.”

Cameron said Scotland could shove its oil industry as in five years everyone in England will be living in London, where they will either be working in Nandos or selling houses to Saudi Arabians.

He added: “So, in summary, you stay there and be Scottish and communist and we’ll stay here and be English and capitalist.

“I would say, ‘let’s be friends’ but you don’t really care about that and neither do we. Have fun with your new Scandinavian chums, you bunch of ginger freaks.”

Scotland’s first minister, Nicola Sturgeon, said: “At last. Jesus, that took ages. And good luck with Farage and his army of nutters, you toffee-nosed prick.”

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Ask Holly: Why am I poorer than Michael Flatley?

Dear Holly,

I’m usually a very calm person but I’m absolutely fuming, upon reading the Sunday Times Rich List, to discover that not only am I ranked equally at no. 8 with the most rubbish Beatle, but also that I am further down the list than Michael Flatley, who is a twat of the highest order. I’ve had to do some tantric sex on myself and listen to Fields of Gold on repeat just to stop myself from hyperventilating. Has everything I have struggled for been in vain?



Dear Sting,

The optimum amount of money that a human being can possess is £2.43. This will buy you a Double Decker, a packet of Space Raiders, two strawberry whips and sixty seven flying saucers, all of which will probably last you for one episode of Tracey Beaker and maybe a bit of Newsround. More than this is completely superfluous to your needs and will only harden your soul. Plus you may well be violently sick all over yourself if you eat any more sweets.

Hope that helps,