Exercise just an excuse to eat more chips

BRITONS exercise purely to justify eating more food, it has emerged.

As health experts confirmed that losing weight is mostly about diet, ordinary gym-goers said they were missing the point.

34-year-old Nikki Hollis said: “I don’t care about losing weight, that’s never going to happen.

“I just go on a running machine so that I’ve ‘burned off a load of calories’, thus making way for more calories, ideally in the form of chips or a lamb bhuna with a fuck-off massive garlic naan.

“My goal is to stay quite fat but not get massively fat.”

Teacher Roy Hobbs said: “I do an hour in the gym three times a week. That’s ten minutes parking the car, forty getting changed and ten minutes of mild exertion on this machine where you lift little weights up and down.

“During my gym session I like to consume a bottle of bright blue liquid with 19 sugars in it, which is apparently a ‘sports drink’.

“Then it’s kebab time, with a clear conscience.”

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Miliband storms ahead among people who can't vote

ED Miliband has consolidated his polling lead among people who are legally children.

Although adults remain unconvinced by Miliband’s leadership qualities and economic competence, he is supported by 80 per cent of social media users born after 1998.

Emma Bradford, a GCSE student from Chester, said: “Ed is a stone cold fox. He could be an actor playing a kind nurse in a TV drama.

“Unfortunately I can’t even vote on The Voice without permission from my mum. So I guess my opinion is utterly worthless.”

Hashtags like #Milifan, #Milibabe, #Milibanter and #Milibandjob have spread across Twitter, eclipsing the Conservatives’ campaign buzzword #Camerotica.