Sheridan facing three-in-a-bed sex sessions whether he likes it or not

TOMMY Sheridan was today facing the prospect of endless three-in-a-bed sex sessions with a variety of eager new friends.

The socialist fire engine was found guilty of perjury after going to swingers clubs, humping anything that moved, telling a lot of people who hated his guts exactly what he had done and then denying it with his angry, left-wing face.

In 2006 Sheridan won £200,000 in libel damages from the News of the World after the jury in that case spent long periods listening to their iPods at full blast and just pretending to look like they were paying attention.

But yesterday jurors in Glasgow took just under eight seconds to convict the former leader of the Scottish Socialist party, mainly because they had been listening the whole time.

Tom Logan, professor of law at Reading University, said: “The case centred on the disputed authenticity of Mr Sheridan’s voice on a tape. So, in conducting his own defence, it was maybe not a good idea to spend four hours a day for two and a half months helping the jury become world class experts at recognising that voice.”

He added: “D’uh!”

Sheridan, who will be sentenced in January, said he was proud to have taken on the might of News International, armed with nothing but dozens of brave lies and a truly courageous amount of sleazy adultery.

The bright orange former Big Brother contestant has been a fierce critic of News International, particularly when he was a columnist for the Mirror Group, the newspaper company owned by banks and pension funds that make Rupert Murdoch look like Mahatma Ghandi’s lovely old mum.

But now the guilty verdict has shattered his plans to return triumphantly to his utterly insignificant political career in which he made not the slightest difference to anything.

Meanwhile group sex enthusiasts at Glasgow’s Redhole Prison say they are tingling with excitement at the arrival of what one inmate described as ‘the Michael Jackson of hotel orgies’.

Bill McKay, chief bitch on the perjurers’ wing, said: “I don’t want to disappoint him so I shall be practising like mad over the next few weeks.

“I imagine this is how an amateur golfer must feel when they’re offered the chance to play 18 holes with Ian Woosnam.”


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At least one of your friends thinks they are protected by a guardian angel

SOMEONE you probably know quite well believes they have a kindly invisible friend watching their every move, it has been confirmed.

A survey by the Bible Society found that one in three Britons is in fact a secret maniac, and some of them may be teaching your children or dispensing vital medicines at your local pharmacy.

According to the study 31% said they are protected by a guardian angel, while 17% said they don’t know if an invisible ghost with wings is hovering a few inches above their heads.

Tom Logan, professor of maths at Reading University, said: “Thirty one plus 17 is 48. And as one of this country’s leading mathematicians, let me assure you that 48 is almost 50.

“That means that either you or me is wholly or partly convinced that our fate is in the hands of some benevolent, see-through social worker.

“And in case you’re wondering, it’s not fucking me.”

But Bible Society director, Dr Ann Holt, insisted there was ‘plenty of evidence that there are presences in this world beyond the human’ though she did run out of suggestions after cats, badgers and anteaters.

Psychiatrist, Dr Julian Cook, said: “From now on everyone you meet could potentially be in possession of a guardian angel.

“You should watch out for things such as them holding the door open for slightly longer than average, or suddenly bursting out laughing for no obvious reason. Also, they may pour three cups of tea when there’s only the two of you.”