Some People Still Think Cheryl Cole Is Real, Says TV Watchdog

THOUSANDS of television viewers still believe that Cheryl Cole is not a
special effect created in a damp bedroom, it emerged last night.

The broadcasting watchdog OFCOM launched an investigation after consumers claimed a product advertised by the latest version of the Cheryl Cole graphic made their hair smell of rotting dolphins.

An OFCOM spokesman said: “After receiving a number of letters full of spelling mistakes, we would like to clarify that Cheryl Cole isn’t a real person, with actual hair.

“Cole is, of course, a computer-generated, manga-esque promotional image designed and maintained by a team of priapic teenagers working shifts in a dingy, fetid bedroom in Stoke littered with copies of White Dwarf magazine and a job lot of Triple Velvet.

“And that is why the bottle of off-white goop you bought has failed to make you look nice, despite its clearly beneficial effects on Cheryl’s non-existent hair.”

He added: “In a purely technical sense this sort of thing is completely immoral.

“But without the ethically flexible duping the mentally unfortunate into buying hair products, our economy would soon be reduced to car boot sales and a ragged, undernourished peasantry bartering for carrots.

“It’s better to just think of L’Oreal adverts as a sort of world-weary version of the tooth fairy for women who read Closer.”

Nineteen year-old Wayne Hayes, one of Cheryl Cole’s creators, said: “She does look pretty realistic, apart from the eyes which are basically just black dots. I did the tits and the arse. You’re very kind.”

He added: “We are getting better at it with each version. Our first attempt to generate a pretend woman turned out to be Kerry Katona.

“As you can imagine, the people at Iceland were absolutely furious.”


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Your Astrological Week Ahead With...

Psychic Bob

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Somewhere over the rainbow, way up high, there’s a land that I dream
of where I don’t have to put up with my pig-fucking, redneck aunt and
uncle and the old bitch that’s trying to kill my dog.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Man cannot live by bread alone, unless Man has been locked in the Hovis factory during a bakers’ strike. In which case he can live by bread alone but at least he has a choice of wholemeal, white and best-of-both ranges, including rolls with the bits in.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Remember, you can always ask a policeman. Though it is traditional to ask him for directions, rather than the length and girth of his John Thomas.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
I’m afraid I’m not going to be able to sponsor you to run the marathon while dressed as the candlestick from Beauty and the Beast, but how’s about £20 to drink this mug full of Tippex?

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Drawing upon your religious faith to name your children is a rare
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Especially for girls.

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The 1982 Petrus is drinking very nicely right now. So no need to keep topping it up with Diet Fanta.

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It’s always bit awkward being introduced to someone’s new born baby. Try belching right in its face.

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Woke up this morning feeling fine, I’ve got something special on my mind, last night I met a new girl in the neighbourhood, something tells me she’s not really 19.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Despite what the Necromicon said, bathing in virgin’s blood has not granted you eternal youth, but you do smell like a black pudding. Yummy.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
A time for making new friends this week as France gets in touch to congratulate you on the sterling way you dealt with that flotilla of aid workers.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Your OCD has reached such crippling levels that you have to flick every light switch 200 times before leaving work. Maybe time to hand in your notice at B&Q.

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