THOUSANDS of television viewers still believe that Cheryl Cole is not a
special effect created in a damp bedroom, it emerged last night.
The broadcasting watchdog OFCOM launched an investigation after consumers claimed a product advertised by the latest version of the Cheryl Cole graphic made their hair smell of rotting dolphins.
An OFCOM spokesman said: “After receiving a number of letters full of spelling mistakes, we would like to clarify that Cheryl Cole isn’t a real person, with actual hair.
“Cole is, of course, a computer-generated, manga-esque promotional image designed and maintained by a team of priapic teenagers working shifts in a dingy, fetid bedroom in Stoke littered with copies of White Dwarf magazine and a job lot of Triple Velvet.
“And that is why the bottle of off-white goop you bought has failed to make you look nice, despite its clearly beneficial effects on Cheryl’s non-existent hair.”
He added: “In a purely technical sense this sort of thing is completely immoral.
“But without the ethically flexible duping the mentally unfortunate into buying hair products, our economy would soon be reduced to car boot sales and a ragged, undernourished peasantry bartering for carrots.
“It’s better to just think of L’Oreal adverts as a sort of world-weary version of the tooth fairy for women who read Closer.”
Nineteen year-old Wayne Hayes, one of Cheryl Cole’s creators, said: “She does look pretty realistic, apart from the eyes which are basically just black dots. I did the tits and the arse. You’re very kind.”
He added: “We are getting better at it with each version. Our first attempt to generate a pretend woman turned out to be Kerry Katona.
“As you can imagine, the people at Iceland were absolutely furious.”