JOSEPH Ratzinger has been temporarily replaced by an incompetent supply Pope, it has emerged.
38-year-old Tom Logan was hired from an agency to cover as head of the Catholic Church until a permanent pope is found.
Addressing a vast crowd from his balcony in the Vatican, smart-casually dressed Logan said: “Hi everyone, I’ll be your pope just for the next couple of weeks or so.
“How’s it all been going lately?
“I thought today we could do some reading. Does anyone want to tell me where you’ve all gotten up to in the Bible?”
It is unclear whether Logan has any ecclesiastical experience. When not performing papal duties he sits in his 1997 Passat in the Vatican car park, smoking cigarettes and using his phone to argue with a woman.
Cardinal Julian Cook said: “When I asked him what his favourite part of the bible was he said ‘all of it’, then when I pressed him he randomly opened a Bible at Leviticus and said, ‘Leviticus’.
“Also he said gay marriage was ‘probably fine’ then looked at everyone’s faces and said, ‘I meant definitely not fine’.
“To make matters worse, he’s given me a list of prospective saints that includes ‘The remaining Bee Gees’ and Michael Caine.”