ONE of President Trump’s personal staff who, nobody likes to think about it but it’s possible, may be having sex with him has come to prominence. Who is Natalie Harp? 

Surely not his lover

The mind recoils and reaches for any other possible explanation rather than face this. Erectile dysfunction, a lifetime of concealed homosexuality, a penis that fell off in 1998 following a botched implant and is kept in a golden box. All horrifying, but all better than contemplating that forcing itself on a young woman.

Maybe she just carries papers? 

She’s known as the Human Printer because she carries paper copies of social media posts for the president to read. That is perhaps the most unnecessary job ever to exist, but better that than the nauseating alternative. We could just pretend that’s her function. That will help us sleep.

That’s not very likely though is it

A so-called executive assistant to the president who just prints stuff and type in Truth Social posts? An attractive blonde just like all his wives? Who never leaves his side? When he famously doesn’t even like women? Come on. You’re fooling yourself. She’s climbing aboard that and riding it.

Could she be some kind of policy adviser? 

Listen to yourself. A woman who apparently spent her girlhood writing to presidents, who has written him a letter saying ‘you’re all that matters to me,’ who has no political experience whatsoever, who is always with him, and you’re like ‘is she a policy adviser?’ Face facts. He still has sexual urges. Urgh.

There’s a rumour that she’s his incontinence doctor

Claims that Trump has the same level of control of his bowels as he does the Strait of Hormuz are rife, and Harp is often seen with a bag large enough to contain adult nappies and multiple packs of wet wipes. But you’re still hiding from the truth, because even picturing her cleaning up the aftermath of an anal explosion is preferable.

She’s f**king him, isn’t she

Yes, the blonde he’s decided must always be with him while his wife remains entirely absent, the blonde he even allowed onto his safe flight when he left the spokeswoman blonde on the decoy, is servicing Donald Trump’s sexual needs. She’s so MAGA-demented she may even enjoy it. Purge your stomach. Move on.