Thank you for distracting everyone from my shit-show of a government, May tells Meghan


THERESA May has thanked Meghan Markle for creating a temporary distraction from the never-ending shit-show the Tories have created.

The prime minister telephoned the latest royal bride to say it was ‘probably the nicest thing anyone has ever done for her’.

A Downing Street source said: “It’s so good having all these stories about wedding bullshit while we continue to fuck everything into a cocked hat.

“When all you can do is get up in the morning and lay waste to everything you set eyes on, knowing that someone else will be dominating the news really takes the pressure off.”

The source added: “If anything we’ll be able to really crank up this shit factory.”

Mrs May said: “We must all now unite behind the great national project of ensuring that Prince Harry and the lovely Meghan have the finest wedding in the history of the world.

“Everything else is completely irrelevant.”

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Wetherspoon drinkers demand earlier opening hours

WETHERSPOON customers are demanding that the pub chain opens its doors at five in the morning.

Regulars have asked the pub company to bring forward opening times from 8am, to ensure that they do not waste the early morning in sobriety.

Norman Steele, who basically lives at his local Wetherspoon, said: “Being forced to wait until daylight before we can begin our morning’s imbibing is an abuse of our human rights.

“Society is skewed towards the fickle demands of the evening drinker, or worse, the weekend drinker.

“We, true connoisseurs of seeing a blurry double-image of Kay Burley as she appears at 10am on the mounted telly screen with the sound turned off, demand our voices are heard.”

Steele underlined seasoned drinkers’ importance as a force for social change: 
“You know when you go to Gatwick and have that 8am pint before departure? Who do you think won you that privilege? Do you know how many capillaries we had to burst in our noses to get them to open that early?

“All we ask, as we approach the twilight years of our early 50s, is that we might enjoy our first guest ale of the day just as the sun is rising over the William Hill across the road.”