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Two people you don't know getting married

TWO strangers who have no idea who you are and never will have decided to get married, they have announced.

A pop star you have zero connection to except for a parasocial relationship manufactured by the media and an American football player whose sport you do not even understand have decided to have a wedding you will not be invited to.

A spokesman for the happy couple said: “Do not expect to be part of his bachelor party, her bachelorette party, or the wedding ceremony. Because you’re not part of their lives.

“This explains why they’ve never given your life updates so much as a ‘like’ on social media. You are nothing to them. Even if you somehow bumped into them and said hello, they would forget about you instantly.

“It’s nice that you’re all excited for them, in a hopelessly pathetic way, but it makes no difference. If you didn’t exist this nobody involved would miss your absence. That’s how insignificant you are to this.

“Those people among you who could not care less, and reply ‘Who?’ on hearing the news? Their reaction is the correct one. You should try to be more like they are.”

The spokesman added: “Michael Jackson’s son Prince announced his engagement to his girlfriend of eight years yesterday. You don’t give a shit. Same deal.”

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Brexit? Stop immigration? Where on earth did you hear that nonsense? By Nigel Farage

YESTERDAY, I unveiled my grand new plan to end immigration forever. Yet people kept asking me about Brexit? Why, when it was unrelated to immigration in any way? 

I suppose some of my Brexit campaigning, if anyone even remembers, touched on how terrifying it would be to live next door to Romanians with posters showing an endless queue of scary brown men. You could make inferences from that.

But did I say the exact words, ‘If Brexit wins, I hereby commit myself to reducing immigration by a specific quantifiable amount’? No, I did not and you can Google it.

If you’d paid attention, you’d realise Brexit was largely about pretending it was World War 2 again and blue passports mattered. Only idiots would think such childish jingoistic posturing was an actual policy on immigration, and Brexiters were not idiots.

So that settles the question of whether Brexit was anything to do with immigration. It wasn’t. And that’s a bloody good thing because I need to devote all my energy to Britain’s newest existential threat: immigration.

Britain is under invasion by men in dinghies, so I propose mass deportations. No ifs, no buts, and also no hows, where and what will it cost. Just get good old Tommy Atkins to round the buggers up and we’ll sort it while ignoring all human rights laws.

Of course we can’t really do that, because of courts and only having four MPs. But as we learned from Brexit, a successful policy is vague enough for anyone to project upon. Does anything real and tangible need to happen? Not as far as I can see.

I resent any suggestion that I have somehow ‘failed’ the nation on immigration. 21 years as an MEP and then elected to parliament? I’d call that a resounding success on immigration, immigration numbers aside.

So let’s end all this Brexit talk. It’s done, get over it, the whole massive rise in small boats immediately following is a coincidence talked up by the liberal media. And let’s focus on my new plan to stop immigration which will definitely work for me.

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