William Enjoys Another Spiffing Day Out

HIS Royal Highness Prince William was in fine spirits last night after another absolutely spiffing day out.

The future King took off in a light aeroplane and flew it around until he felt like doing something else.

The Prince said it made a 'pleasant change' from the rigours of the Fulham Road or having his foreskin hoovered every morning by the Royal Company of Foreskin Hooverers.

His Royal Highness revealed: "I was worried that flying around might prove to be ghastly and something of a bore. But actually, it was all rather jolly.

"I wonder why people don't use their planes all the time. What is the point of owning one and then just leaving it in your field?"

In preparing for the role of monarch, the Prince will spend a year having really terrific days out with the armed services, before focusing on his main constitutional duty of not being a Catholic.

The Prince added: "Next month they're going to give me a boat with helicopters on it that I get to drive around the sea for a couple of days. That's got 'spiffing' written all over it."

Prince William later spent the evening in Boujis nightclub, throwing bottles of champagne at the wall and urinating into the FA Cup.

He was then driven to Kate Middleton's apartment, where she performed oral sex on him while dressed as Jessica Rabbit.

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Tom Cruise Now Terrifyingly Insane

TOM Cruise was celebrating last night as he overtook John Travolta to become Hollywood's most dangerously unhinged psychopath.

In a previously unseen interview, released on the internet, Cruise delivered a tour de force, comparing Scientology to, 'having sex with an angry kangaroo'.

He added: "It's an army of Spanish elephants, it's a hospital made of chocolate, it's a bomb full of guns."

The Far and Away star then claimed to be 'the only being in the solar system' who knew what to do in the event of a car crash.

"I have a special computer that proves how paramedics and firemen can make a car crash 10,000 times worse.

"I spent four and a half years studying carcrashology. I came top of my class. If a crash happens, I'm there with my big tongs and my bag of melons."

Cruise said Scientology had also helped him to control his dreams, adding: "I used to dream about bottoms quite a lot, but now most of my dreams involve killing everybody in the world, except Steven Spielberg, who I end up using as a coffee table."

Cruise spent the last 20 minutes of the interview curled in the foetal position saying, 'ping, ping, ping' over and over again.

Media anlaysts admitted they were baffled as to why the video has been released at this time.

Wayne Hayes, who analyses the media, said: "There is the merest hint of an outside chance of a slim possibility that it might have something to do with money."