PRINCE Harry has informed Britain that only bathing in its utter loathing for them keeps him and his wife young.
The Duke and Duchess of Sussex are returning to the UK after detecting signs of decrepitude and realising they needed to return to the wellspring of hatred again to rejuvenate themselves.
He said: “Donald Trump is 80. Rupert Murdoch is 95. Both are hale and hearty. Can there be any doubt that concentrated detestation is the elixir of life?
“We’ve tried all that Californian crystal nonsense and it did nothing. Easy living surrounded by those who like you is bad for the organs. Only in atmospheres of focused, sustained hostility is the body stimulated enough to renew itself.
“So we’ve come back to Britain and plan to trigger the nation by living public lives, still not letting you see photos of our children and doing the occasional appearance on Graham Norton to keep the fires of your rage burning. That way we’ll live forever.
“Hopefully we can meet up with my brother and his wife to mainline a few shots of the really pure stuff. Incidentally, seen her recently? She’s looking her age.”
Royal-watcher Margaret Gerving said: “God, now I hate them even more.”
