Advanced wasp civilisation trying to communicate with humans

WASPS are desperately trying to share their advanced scientific and philosophical knowledge with humans.

Wasp civilization is infinitely more advanced than that of humanity, however all attempts to share this rich knowledge are being thwarted by the pointless aggression of Homo sapiens.

Wasp Tom Booker said: “If you ever bothered to look in a wasp’s nest instead of gassing it, you’d discover they are full of mind blowing technology.

“We found a cancer cure two hundred years ago and fly using tiny anti-gravity machines strapped to our thoraxes.

“Our philosophy is to aid the advancement of all species, which is why we hover around you, trying to speak the secrets of the universe into your ear.

“Unfortunately this has so far only resulted in numerous crushing-based fatalities and jam jar entrapment.”

Booker added: “It’s very frustrating but we will keep trying to reach out to you, because we feel it is our duty to stop you destroying yourselves with your reliance on hopelessly outmoded fossil fuels.

“Also, I must admit we do have a certain weakness for your fizzy drinks, especially Apple Tango. Naturally we try to control our baser instincts but we do lose it around sugary things.”

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50 Shades announcement triggers journalistic copy and paste frenzy

JOURNALISTS are frantically copying and pasting from Wikipedia following the announcement of the lead actors in 50 Shades of Grey.

Tabloid ‘showbiz’ editor Julian Cook said: “I’ve pretty much worn out the ‘C’ and ‘V’ keys on my keyboard as I race against deadline to lift enough biographical data from Charlie Hunnam’s Wikipedia page.”

Journalist Emma Bradford said: “I pasted Dakota Fanning’s Wikipedia in one big chunk, including the picture. Then I added the headline ‘Young actress embarks on erotic journey’.”

“After that I went for a fag.”