Bale not allowed on pitch at same time as other players

INSURERS have banned Carlo Ancelotti from picking Gareth Bale in case he gets broken.

After paying £86M for the former Spurs silverback, Real Madrid will only allow Bale to run around the pitch of the Bernabeau once everybody else has gone home.

The Welshman will spend the rest of his time locked in a gilded tower, like a lonely princess in a children’s fairy tale.

Real president Florentino Pérez said: “Gareth is important for our mid-term marketing strategy and season ticket holders can look at him through the bars of his dressing room whenever they want.

“As long as they don’t try to feed him, of course.

“For context, the bloke who bought Munch’s The Scream only paid £76M, for which he got to keep it rather than rent it for six years like we have with Gareth.

“And I bet he doesn’t sling it onto his lawn every Saturday and let the gardeners kick lumps out of it.”

Club doctors have also advised Bale to cease rolling around on the floor like a dog in fox shit whenever anybody goes near him, in case he dislocates a shoulder.

Pérez said: “It’s too risky to let Gareth score a goal, then do that heart thing with his hands and make half of Spain want to snap his fingers off.”

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Parents celebrate end of nightmare

PARENTS across the UK are drunkenly celebrating the end of a summer of hellish full-time childcare.

Their shamelessly adult partying began outside school gates at 9.01am after handing their offspring back to professionals.

Mother of three Carolyn Ryan said: “I waved a two-fingered goodbye to my little darlings, cranked Azealia Banks full blast on the stereo, cracked a bottle of Merlot right there in the car and sucked desperately at the bottle like it was a teat.

“Some other mums got in and we drove to a strip club, which made a refreshing change from overpriced pirate-themed attractions in castles.”

Bill McKay, who has spent half of the last six weeks pretending to be so bad at football that a five-year-old can beat him, said: “Freedom tastes so sweet. I’m going to the pub at half-four. After that, who knows?”

The nation’s children greeted their return to school with equanimity. Eight-year-old Tom Booker said: “If they’d taken me to one more petting zoo I would have strangled a hen, then pretended I didn’t understand why that was a bad thing to do.”