Bag for life mainly used to store other bags for life

A BAG for life is largely being used to hold all the other bags that do not get taken to the supermarket, its owner has confirmed. 

Donna Sheridan has admitted that no matter how many bags for life she buys, all the other bags for life comfortably fit within it in its permanent home in the porch.

She said: “I’ve got one of those big Aldi bags with a tomato on which holds about four other sturdy bags and any number of plastic ones by the front door.

“Then there’s the bag for life under the stairs, which has all my spare bags for life, and the bag for life in the car boot which contains all my bags for life on the go and never gets removed.

“I like to do my bit for the environment and also they’re so handy. Goodness knows where I used to keep all my bags before these came along.”

Environmentalist Helen Archer said “A bag for life full of plastic bags is, quite frankly, just taking the p**s out of the environment.

“You may as well punch a dolphin in the face.”

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Office workers suffer sugar slumps at 9.45am, 11am, 11.45am, 1.15pm, 3pm and 4.45pm

THE average office worker is hit by a sugar slump at least six times a day, not including lunch or the commute, research has found. 

The Institute for Studies found office workers combat the fall in blood glucose, which leaves them tired and unable to function at full capacity, with sugary drinks, snacks and powerwalking to the canteen for a doughnut. 

Office manager Martin Bishop said: “I don’t understand it. I begin each morning with a big bowl of sugary cereal and have a caramel latte on the walk from the train, but I still can’t make it to 10am. 

“I usually treat my slump with a mug of builder’s tea, then a Twix after my meeting sees me until lunch. Which makes me sleepy so I have a can of Monster. Then the biscuits come round, and with those and a bag of M&Ms I’m through to hometime. 

“So it’s not like I’m stuffing my face. What am I meant to do? Tough the slump out?” 

Dr Henry Brubaker said: “The average office worker spends the day almost permanently high on sucrose, flitting between different providers like demented wasps. 

“To increase productivity employers should fit giant sugar water coolers, like hamster bottles, to their cubicles they can suck on. Though they will all get fat and die.”